Oh sweet dear Jesus, Son of Mary and one whom folks call when shit hits the fan... What the HELL just happened??
I asked myself this question a million times during my time with His Side. Keeping true to his ways, he lured me into another useless argument, making me look and feel crazy, right up until the time he left my home. It went like this:
Him: "I sure would live a lot longer if somebody would BLESS ME!"
Me, (turning from the computer screen): "Wha..???"
Him: "Yesterday. Riding in the car. I sneezed. And you didn't say BLESS YOU. I would NEVER do that to you. I always say 'bless you.' See how you are?"
Me: "Are. You. Serious? I was in traffic. I only vaguely remember you sneezing. Now I am responsible for you not living longer???"
Him: YES!
You can only imagine how the remainder of this conversation devolved into one of the most ridiculous exchanges I've ever had with anybody in my life. And the worst part is, this happened with His Side more than I would like to admit during our time together.
It didn't matter what... His Side found something to make my fault. I defended myself against some of the most juvenile and petty accusations - real and imagined. If I ignored him, he would rage for hours about how right he was about the thingy I won't defend... or worse, get angry and escalate to get a better reaction from me.
But here's the kicker. During the course of defending myself, without fail, he eventually said... "Look. Look. See how you're talking to me. Why are you acting like this? You blame me for everything. But Look. At. You."
That, my friends, is textbook CRAZY-MAKING. Because in fact, I did look and feel like a crazy person defending myself against the indictment of forgetting to say bless you. Grown-ass mature men don't initiate such petty conversations. I certainly looked like a crazy fool taking the time to actually respond.
When this passive-aggressive, crazy-making behavior first emerged, I did what most normal people would do: I took a moment to wonder if I was doing something wrong.
"You want somebody else. I can see it."
"You're going to cheat on me."
"You blame me for everything."
"You don't love me."
I was exhausted trying to trace the source of these sudden accusations which came along with his increasingly aggressive behavior and threats. The accusations were a ruse to provide ample excuse for his worsening treatment of me, stacked on top to cover his deteriorating self-esteem.
As one woman kindly put it, 'a crazy-making mate is also suffering, just in a different way.' And I believe every word of that. His Side was miserable. I was an easy target. And on some level I see he regretted that I was unable to provide what he needed to fix things for himself. But really, nobody can. What he needs right now can't possibly descend on him like a blanket from heaven and make everything hunky-dorey.
I didn't catch the signs early as they emerged. I left room for him to get comfortable. "She loves me. She'll never leave." I tend to get stuck with that label, including at work. There's dedication. Then there's stupidity. When somebody believes you're blindly loyal enough to stay no matter what, that is no badge of honor. Don't smile and say "Thanks." It means you are not recognized as dedicated to your own self interests. I believe His Side thought I would never arrive at this step. While I "stood up for myself" during the course of the chaos, I didn't really stand up to the plate with the best solution - which is stop taking the bullshit altogether.
About.com provides this summary under crazy-making emotional abuse:
Emotional abuse is used to control, degrade, humiliate and punish a spouse. While emotional abuse differs from physical abuse, the end result is the same…a spouse becomes fearful of their partner and begins to change their behaviors to keep their partner happy. The happier their partner, the less domestic violence the spouse has to suffer. By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.
The article goes on to offer examples, and I have experienced most. Harassment, intimidation, including countless accusations that I must be cheating.
I'm exhausted y'all. I'm finally truly exhausted because the struggle is over and I can stop fighting. And defending. And hurting. And feeling more disappointed than words can express.
Sometimes I wonder how long it may take His Side to address the addictions and heartaches that drain his life. In reality, he's just a "hurt person hurting other people." Other times, I really don't care because I am relieved that he is no longer searching for that answer on my dime.
13 comments:
As someone who's traveled this very same path, I can truly empathize with that which you've both endured and stood firm to get out of. It took me much longer than you did; in fact my most recent bout of that Crazy-Making was between 2002-2006 when I went the rounds with trying to sustain a relationship that was terminal from its inception.
For years we fought, we loved, we made excuses, we broke up, got back together ad nauseum. I knew deep down that I needed to get out; that it needed to end, but I'd get sucked into believing things could and would change. I gave in. Then I would be the toxic one and he'd wonder what the heck he was doing with me, but would never end things. One day, I had an epiphany as I broke down in earth shattering tears in my shower (my fave place to cry) and said, "NO MORE!"
I finally mustered every ounce of strength, self-respect, and love I had for myself and told him it was over, no if/ands/or buts about it. And then began my journey into leaving the craziness behind and becoming emotinally sane and sound.
Of course I wish I knew then what I know now, but in spite of it, I'm thankful for the experience because it's made me fully aware of what I will and won't put up with. If you're not in my best interest, then you have to go; and yes, it's THAT simple. I'd rather hurt for a little while and get over you, than to endure continued pain in the name of love. Love in that instance is just a four-letter word.
I'm happy that you caught yourself in time to get out before you were in too deep. You've made productive and proactive moves for yourself and your home. His transition now will have to be made without a cruth; without playing the blame game; and for his own good. Whether he succeeds or not has NOTHING to do with you as you were able to love him enough to let him go. I'm sure he's aware of his mistakes, but only time and action will dictate if he's truly learned anything.
Continue on your road to emotional success and wealth; you're doing a fine job.
Negril:
For years we fought, we loved, we made excuses, we broke up, got back together ad nauseum.
Oh God. We did that in this short cycle. Remember we broke up in February and got back together in April? I knew this time I didn't wanna do that, because it didn't solve anything the first time. What treatment occurred during that time? None. Useless breakup...
Then I would be the toxic one and he'd wonder what the heck he was doing with me, but would never end things.
I had my moments of toxicity. Hence my declaration that "I didn't like who I was with while with him." They didn't last long, but I hated that feeling. I was trying to get a point across to somebody who didn't care to listen. What a waste of time.
Thank you for EVERYTHING you do to make sure ya' girl stays strong. :-)
@ Her Side - You are more than welcome. I'm finding that it's in the sharing of ones experiences that the lessons are learned as well as taught. When we can sit around the camp fire and share with friends and others who want to be and do better, a positive domino effect takes place.
What I wanted to add to my previous comment is that, allowing someone to make you the center of their world depletes your essence and spirit. It means you have to sustain the other person because they aren't strong or whole enough to sustain themselves. Furthermore, it's a form of emotional manipulation to make you feel bad if you did things with others that didn't include them; thus, making you subconsciously distance yourself socially.
Just thought I'd throw that out there. Glad you are back to liking yourself again.
@Negril: I hear ya loud and clear. At the very end... His Side's main concerns were: "Are you gonna hang out and have fun with Negril?"...."Are you going to date other people?"
Those wouldn't be concerns if you had treated me right and particpiated in creating an environment we could thrive in. What am I supposed to say??? "I stopped my life with the hope that you would come around?"
While I have no interest in dating right now, I also have no interest in humoring his request for the facts of my future life. I don't owe him to make any promises...
WOW!
I know something about this...lived it. My ex was a fearful man behind closed doors. In public he would put on a show of support and strength. But behind closed doors he was always resentful of friendships, other activities. He has thrown away clothes he bought me...2 sets of wedding rings...sigh. It is tiring just thinking about it all. But here's the best part: HE IS NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM ANYMORE!
I can live how I want to! And I am convinced that who is right for me...meant for me will appear.
I don't often read comments, but I have read the exchanges here, and on the entry previous to this, and it is up to me to break up the commiseration.
Since you aren't that cat 'Joe Blessing', who is the figment of someone's imagination, IMO, I think you can handle this.
Me? I would be relieved. Mookie and I went through a similiar patteren, where we had a relationship talk in December, then in February we agreed to part ways in June. I left in May. She has called ONCE, to let me know that mail came, and that was that with that.
You have been through the wars, why else would you blog under 'battle scars'? But as I risk stirring up the pots here, don't be sitting here on the man-bashing (call it what you like, but that is what is going on right now). Deal with that real quick, otherwise you will be facing your own type of 'whatevers' that His Side is dealing with.
All this 'girl, I know what you mean', is the type of conversation that makes women MORE vunerable for the same kind of relationships ... if one more chippie chimes in with a 'reminesce' about how this is like something I been through ...
You are too big a girl to do that. We talk about differences between men and women, and here is one that women could do to actually adopt. Fix what the heck went wrong, and move on, move on, and move on.
Mookie, Tee Jay, (and maybe Nebraska? Can't really count her) both told me that I was good to and even for them most of the time ... that and $1.50 will let me catch the bus to Meijer's.
Don't get caught up in all this 'I was good to and for him' or even worse, the 'man, I was in a psycho relationship, how did it happen to me?' talk. Diagnois and move on.
I can read the books, and they tell me why women comiserate and feel the need to kvetch about what happened in their collective misery.
Screw that! Given the 'prep' break up, and now the real thing, you don't need to wonder why, esp. when HE is the problem.
L&R
Mark
Since you aren't that cat 'Joe Blessing', who is the figment of someone's imagination, IMO, I think you can handle this.
You got dat right, Big Mark! LOL
I think women tend to diagnose and seek the wisdom of counsel in much less of a vacuum than men. That is why women's support groups are so much stronger than between men - who sometimes will jump off a bridge before fulfilling the "need to kvetch about what happened in their collective misery."
Just from sharing and hearing the experience of two other powerful women in my circle, I have learned a truckload more about the warning signs that will help me next time. And hey, they just happened to be dating men. I also welcome a man's opinion who dealt with a toxic situation. And I promise not to call him "woman bashing." hehe
With two posts under my belt dealing with the breakup, I don't think I have reached the wallowing critical mass. ROFLMAO
You may actually try to apply that title after I post about how my disappointment finally slid into sadness and today I actually missed him. Yes, missed him, without losing a single ounce of the reality that contacting him would be a huge no-no. Did I mention he calls me at work and at home constantly? He really thinks there's a way to reconcile. That's another story...
I am willing to watch and learn from you, but I still think women THINK they are doing themselves good when they aren't. One of the things that I think happens is that y'all tend to discuss so many bad problems, that you get drawn into them.
I will be looking forward to reading how you are dealing with this. Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure.
Big Mark, you are right on point with this:
Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure.
I may turn this single sentence into a blog post, because that stands with other issues at the heart of diagnosing and moving on.
I saw His Side over the weekend... mutual friends had a 2-day party, and he attended the second day. Not bad to see him at all, and I will incorporate that experience into my post about disappointment vs. hope. Thanks again for a blog idea. LOL
I may turn this single sentence into a blog post, because that stands with other issues at the heart of diagnosing and moving on.
I will be looking forward to catching that one.
Wow! Had no idea you were dealing with anywhere near that level of drama, and glad that you've relieved yourself of it. And I look forward to hearing more about your journey forward.
Deacon Blue! I am so glad you made it here. You missed a lot. LOL
I hope to get back to updating the blog this weekend. It has been hectic to say the least. :-)
wow this sounds a lot like my ex! Too crazy. I figure out after awhile that nothing I did would ever be good enough for him so I walked away from it. That was the best choice I ever made.
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