So here you have it, folks. After His Side had one-too-many and crossed some lines, I asked him to leave my home. He's packed and ready for his move on Sunday.
I took a hard hard line on this, and it stands as one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I am living the Battle Scars story right now, because I see where both of us picked up enough baggage to arrive at this place.
:: His abusive father.
:: My uber-independent mother whose biggest hope was for me to be intellectual and ambitious.
:: His ex-wife who cheated endlessly and then ran off with his kids.
:: My attraction to things that are broken.
:: His 18-year military history of watching things we hope to never see.
:: My tendency to batten down the hatches when I feel like things are out of control.
In the midst of the chaos, in the center of the storm, at the intersection of battle scars and exit wounds... I stand there still in love with His Side. But I do not like who I am with him when his baggage manifests.
Do you understand what I just said?
My biggest problem really isn't him, because I am not in control of - nor responsible for - his life. I don't like who I am with him. When I get angry. When I push too hard. Or even when I feel afraid... I don't like that woman. She looks like a stranger. And there's no peace in her home. There's too much turmoil out there to welcome any turmoil in here. In spite of the race I still need to run, I paid the price to reach an unbelievably positive place in my life. And when I am her... that person dealing with him, I am momentarily set back. I'll give my life to you. I'll share my life with you. But I won't sacrifice the spirit of my life for you.
I aspire to living an honest life that is full of... well... LIFE. Colorful. Sincere. Energetic. Authentic. Peace. Love.
With tears in his eyes and without clear understanding of how he keeps arriving here, he agrees with my decision and wants to go do what's necessary to fix his broken spirit. I know for a fact he is more than able to transform his life. As I reflected on the past year - when some of the biggest changes occurred - I see where unforgiveness has robbed His Side of precious life. He is stuck on a small but piercing set of past hurts that literally haunt him. I don't use that word lightly. I can physically see and spiritually sense when the movie reel starts playing. Reality exits. He doesn't even talk the same, as if paging through the book to make sure he has his useless references correct. He gets lost in a frame of reference that paints everybody "here" with the same ugly colors as those "there."
When the painting is finished, he admits to hating the result. Worse, he admits that breaking that chain has eluded him. I have an idea...
I wish him the gift of forgiveness, especially since the short list of those he needs to forgive includes his name. For me, learning to forgive helped me enjoy the "right now." I can love (or hate) every moment for exactly what it is... not for how it reminds me of pains from another place and time. Nobody gets this 100% right, but I bet my batting average would land me in the hall of fame.
Nothing is ever a total loss. I am grateful for what I learned about my strengths and weaknesses. Even more, I am shocked, amazed, and utterly thankful to see how the crushing weight of unforgiveness can affect a human soul.
I love ya, His Side. If this journey you are about to take on your own leads you to the wholeness you crave, I suspect you'll have a friend waving, cheering, crying, and celebrating where the road merges back into the life you hoped for.
9 comments:
As I watched you grow from the weed that you thought you were to the beautiful flower you've always been, I know this journey has been good for you. I saw in you the things you were blinded to as a result of the hurt and pain that had become 'normal' to you. We shared the joys and pains of that transition and as you entered into the relationship with His Side, I cheered you on. I embraced the unknown future for you; with him.
Over time, I started to see some of your petals falling off and you even wilted a little. This hurt a lot and being the honest friend that I am, I shared some of my concerns. Unfortunately, you weren't able to see them quite the same as me and of course it was easy for me to drop my two cents in the bucket because 1) I'd been there and 2) I didn't live with His Side to know for sure.
As the months unfolded, I saw you fertilize your soil and begin to grow and bloom again; it was that inner strength that said, you needed to take a hold of the situation before you had no means of a solution for it. With careful consideration, you executed that which was right for YOU, your well-being, and likeness for self.
I know it wasn't easy for you to come to where you are now and most would not have been able to remain as steadfast and committed as you were. You not only talked that talk; you walked that walk and girl, I'm so proud of you for that. In fact, I applaud you because you've happened upon that place within yourself that says, I love myself far too much to allow you to make me feel anything less than stellar in every way. No bullshit, no excuses; just the clarity of knowing your decision was base on love and executed with purpose and intent. How many of us can say we act in that fashion? Not many, but that's a story for another day.
My dear, you are my Shero! I am proud to call you friend. I am proud to call you my sister. And most assurdly, I am proud to know such a profoundly remarkable woman. We should all be this lucky to not only know what we want, but how to get what we want and not suffer needlessly.
Yea, I know I blogged all up in your comments, but the truth has to be told. Your reward(s) will be great and your blessings will manifest in abundance.
Love you girl!
Dammit, Negril. First you have me crying at work. Now you have tears stinging my eyes at home.
I will never ever underestimate the value, blessing, and NECESSITY of supportive friends. I keep that circle small and tight. At this time and season of my life, you are my closest confidante. You have no idea how thankful I am that you're in that circle.
'CAUSE DA SHIT AIN'T NOBODY ELSE'S BUSINESS. LMAO
My mother is unavailable to me for the kind of listening ear and advice I need. I know for sure that a very good God made sure there was a "you" in my life.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I won't ask you to wear a cape, but you're my Shero. And I look forward to sitting on that peaceful deck of yours!
I love you much.
Bravo! Bravo! So often women stay in that I-can-fix-him-with-my-love mode.
This was one of the best posts I've ever read...I needed this as road map a long long long time ago!
You are indeed a Grown WOMAN!
If he is willing and open he will do the work necessary. It is my wish that he will learn and know as you and I that he controls his actions. That if he changed his mind he can change his life. 2 simple questions for him...for us all: Who are you? and What do you Want?
Clearly you have answered that for yourself and are committed to standing in your truth.
((HUGS))
Sorry that you're going through this but am glad to see that you have such an insightful perspective on things. I know this can only come from experience or watching others. Hope it all works out for the best for you.
Light and Love her Side...I salute your strength.
And I salute your friendship with Negril. What an honour!
{{hugs}} back to you, Lovebabz!
I almost... almost... hit the "I can save him with my love" button. But it's so ridiculous! As I watched him devolve into the worst blame game I ever witnessed in my life, I knew he wasn't ready for help anyway.
When a man can look at you and try to blame you for the shambles of his life... the same shambles you met him in... it's time to bail.
When he can't grasp the reply, "but you're talking about problems you had before you got here and haven't done anything about..." something is really wrong.
And when they ignore the things you did manage to "fix" for them, that calls for a side-eye on the way out the door. LOL
Hey, MissJay! This has no choice but to work out, because I am determined. I know what it's like to waste time on something dead. I hate the feeling of regret that comes with the insanity of beating a dead horse.
I knew for a fact that I would regret spending another day in mess. I have come to truly understand how you can love but let go. One of the worst lessons we can teach is "loving means staying and going the extra mile." That is true when you're talking about fighting an enemy "out there" (like sickness or financial setbacks) -- but it is not true when the enemy is in the house.
Greetings, Possum! I'm glad you were able to stop by. And yes... Negril is a gem.
Taking a break from my happy reunion and christening of a lifetime of love, to find out what is going on here, for one of my fave folks out here.
I don't want to get all overwrought, as I can do with my softer side, and I don't want to get all preachy in here, either.
But given what you have shared since I have begun reading, my heart goes out to you. Even when you make the decision to end a relationship that you thought was going to be THAT relationship for the right reasons, it is never easy.
My whole thing, part of my approach is that I know that I am a freakin' mess. I make no mistake about getting that across, but I don't aplogize for it. I am trying as best I know and as hard as I can to live the life that I want, despite myself.
I wonder how honest cats are with themselves, and in being honest, how willing they are to make the transformation to have the life that they want?
There is so much that I want to say ... but because so much of it has personal references, I will keep it for my journal.
This seems to have been a well thought out decision. Doesn't make things any easier, but it does speed the healing. When you can come to a point where you KNOW you did what was the best thing for you, you don't have to make up stuff to tell yourself. You did what was best, and that is enough.
Now, you can go out and live your life, and expect that what good is out there for you to come your way. Not because you 'want it', but because you are going to 'earn it', by being the person who is ready to be part of a healthy and loving relationship.
I believe that eventually you attract what you put out. Give out good, and the good will be attracted to you. Period.
Again, this won't be all right, because people say it will be, it is going to be all right because IT IS right. The right choice and the right track.
L&R
Mark
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