Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My Birthday Card from HisSide...

I celebrate a birthday this week. For a quickie, I thought I'd share the card I received from HisSide:

You Mean
So Much
To Me

Do you have any idea
how much I value
you and our relationship?

Let me give you a hint -
you're one of the few people
in the world
who truly know the real me.

That's because you've shown yourself
to be someone I can trust
with my secrets, my feelings,
and, yes, even my failings.

You listen to me and accept me unconditionally
and always give me
the benefit of the doubt.

You've made our relationship
a place where
I always feel safe,
knowing I won't be judged,
and that means so much.

Honestly, I don't know
what I ever did
to deserve having
someone as great
as you in my life...
and I don't know
what I'd do now
if you weren't!

You mean the world to me.

Love always.

Happy Birthday.


[insert crazy ass drawing of happy face and hearts].

He said he searched hard for the right one, and it says everything he wanted it to say.

He inserted "Forgive Me" at the top.

He knows I love his flawed ass like crazy, as much as he loves my flawed ass.

So begins the birthday weekend of a lifetime.

His is only 3 days after mine.

Party on...

Card courtesy of Hallmark. Who else?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Ya' girl was featured at Fitting Words

I recently found a gem of a blog named Fitting Words. The blog focuses on providing advice about finding the perfect words to deal with problematic relationships between everybody from spouses to co-workers.

The blog authors are polar opposites, one who uses "fight" techniques and one who favors "flight" as a means to respond to conflict. They each provide feedback without reading what the other has to say. The results represent their competing "fight or flight" views, which I find infinitely useful for somebody looking for alternatives.

I was moved by the story submitted by Verklempt, a woman reaching for acceptance from her parents. I responded with a comment that was featured as Rush of Expectations.

If you are fascinated by the constant dance it takes to initiate, grow, nurture, or even leave relationships, give the blog a bit of your traffic. They rock.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Setbacks, Love, Patience, and DECISIONS

His Side spent a week in jail after the justice system saw fit to incarcerate him in a dangerous state prison for $200 overdue in child support payments. I spent that week fighting to get him out. I presented in court. I sidebarred with the prosecutor's office. I slept in my car in front of the prison. And miraculously, I drove away with him before sundown on that cold dismal day.

He was deeply and sincerely appreciative. But he couldn't avoid the setback that slowly crept into view. Old habits. Old ways. Anger. Bitterness. All directed at the wrong targets.

This came to a head during a very public and very embarrassing scene where I did. not. play the role of a patient friend. I was frustrated. I was hurt. And I was so done with it.

Any reasonable observer would have arrived at the same conclusion. But there's a side to this story that nobody knows. Well, not until now.

His Side experienced what I consider to be one of the most traumatic events a child can endure. By all professional accounts, his angry self-medicating behavior is almost a direct trace to that dark place in his history. The story is his to tell. I won't detail it here, but... He shared this with me years ago, and at the time, it explained e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It was so difficult for him to share and sit before me in a puddle of his own tears. But for me... well... I already knew trauma with the only explanation. It didn't surprise me one bit. The only surprise was that he finally told somebody and that person was me.

But His Side missed an important step: He didn't get any help... and I couldn't help him. I was the only person who knew, and I was also the safe haven where he acted out. Walking away from the carnage was about the only wise choice I had.

Something quite different happened after this post-prison episode. He confided in his older cousin, who's been like a mother to him since his own mother's death. He said he was actually able to sleep that night - something he hadn't done in ages. After that, he called a doctor. In simple terms, he told the doctor he wants to stop hurting the person who has loved him the most. Dayum. He has new medical benefits and even better... a fvcking appointment.

For this I am proud of him. He's being true to his claim that watching himself spiral out of control hurts him because it hurts the people he loves. And right when I was ready to make a decision to trade our friendship over a setback, I was compelled to embrace him as he takes the wisest step he's taken so far.

Love's a bitch.