I just finished reading an article, "Over 40 and Ready for Love?" Men and women ranging in age from 40 to 79 got their groove back and found love, with some entering marriage for the first time.
Too often, I think, pop culture characterizes the excitement of falling in love as a drink best served during youth. Teens and twenty-somethings are pegged as having the most fun with self-discovery, dating, marriage and even sex.
But in the spirit of the Over 40 article, I find something deeply sexy about relationships as I get closer to my 4th decade on this planet. The fantasy slowly transformed into the experience and wisdom it takes to attract, recognize, and nurture more fulfilling experiences.
In other words, I enjoy earning the right to say "Been There. Done That. AND Got the T-shirt."
Trial and Error: The Beauty of Experience and Learning from Failures
I read a lot of books about finances, business administration, and management. If anybody deserved an honorary MBA based on their library, I'd be that chick. The first time I was presented with the idea that 'we learn more from a failure than a success,' I was hopelessly intrigued. Many wealthy men and women give credit for the quality/depth of their success to memorable failures that shook their foundation, imparted priceless lessons, and sometimes almost broke their spirit. Failures present some of the best opportunities for growth, a unique view of "what not to do," and a powerful springboard for "what to do better/differently next time."
I wholeheartedly believe this concept applies to relationships. Isn't that why we bother with courting, dating, and engagements before jumping headfirst into marriage? We feel our way around the relational landscape, learn how to use the maps, discover how to stay on the road, and stumble upon ways to avoid pesky land mines left behind from all the wars fought in the land.
I find it particularly disturbing that casual observers can criticize couples - especially young couples - for "not making it work." There's no friggin manual for relationships/marriage. If there was, we wouldn't have terms like "hook-up" and "side piece" to describe the unfortunate purgatory that folks live in while pretending to look for love. And hell, divorce lawyers wouldn't be able to fart around with the rich and famous. Some might cite the Bible as the closest thing we have to a Relationship Users Manual. But even the Bible makes room for dreadfully-flawed human nature.
I have dated (seriously) since I was 18, but some of those puppy-love, budding love, and mature love stories stand out:
When I was 18, I had a boyfriend whom I loved as much as an 18-year old heart could stand. To me, he was the epitome of what a boyfriend should be, and he never proved anything different. I was the one who broke his heart to experience the sudden newness and freedom associated with attending college far from home.
When I was 26, I fell head-over-heels for an island man and our time together always took my breath away. For eight months, we worked, played, laughed, and loved. The sex was... the... SHIT. Suddenly, when his internship in the area was over, he was on the road to home to marry his ex-girlfriend. WTF? I was devastated. He was my first truly adult love experience.
When I was 28, I married somebody completely outside of my "type." He looked great on paper, but there was no true fire. In fact, I still had a small fire buring for the island man, who I remained in contact with. (What kind of crap is that?) I was compelled by the promise of stability - financial and otherwise - that my ex-husband seemed to represent. Three years and 11 months later, I learned why a resume of practical considerations won't do much to sustain a marriage.
When I was 35, I met His Side. I didn't date at all after my divorce. I was celibate and mastering life as a single mother. His Side looked awful on paper. No money. No assets. Past problems with some still unresolved. And. I. Didn't. Care. I was crazy about him, and he was clearly crazy about me.
We had a wonderful "phone" relationship that resulted in dating, which led to an intimate relationship (OMG, talk about finding extra icing on top of my cake), which led to him moving in. Together, we marveled about the organic, simple-yet-complicated, raw, unadulterated bliss that comes with falling hopelessly in love. Yet here we are in the chaos chronicled here at this blog. I am still in the process of recognizing and embracing the necessary lessons from this one...
In spite of it all, I feel poised to keep living a vibrant life armed with the lessons from each of these experiences. I am thankful for what I learned, primarily what I learned about myself as each of these stories played their necessary role in my life.
The Frickin Point I am Trying to Make Is...
In spite of recent developments as I watched My Favorite Relationship of All Time devolve into chaos, I am deeply happy and satisfied.
I don't have to cry my eyeballs out.
Been There.
I don't have to just accept the chaos out of fear of being alone.
Done That.
I don't have to worry if love still exists or can be a part of my future.
Got the T-shirt.
I'm all grownded up. hehe I am as free as I allow myself to be. I'm as wise as the experiences behind me - according to the degree I opened my heart to receive. And I know fo'sho that the ups-&-downs of living and loving during the uncertainty of youth never EVER felt this good.
11 comments:
Talk that real talk right here. True words have run rampant up and down this post and I heart you for every word of it.
Like you, I've got the battle wounds, exit scars, and some that I'd rather not even recall. But you know what? It didn't and hasn't stopped me from forging on. In fact; and as you've clearly stated, entering into love on teh cusp of the 4th decade offers a much guided entrance into the place of love's divine. Well, that is if you've actually learned something along the way and aren't toting unnecessary baggage with you.
For the real grownded folk like ourselves, entering Love's Divine at this stage is an experience that is welcomed and something we KNOW how to be in and do well. Knowing yourself is the first step in having the right foundation for a relationship and when you find a partner on equal footing, then you know you have something to work with. It's then that all the ups and downs of loves previous experiences pay off in large dividend. You know what you will/won't do; are able to identify the red flags easily and respond accordingly; and more importantly, not sugar coat shit and call it candy. You work for resolution, but know that you will not settle for anything less than a real and positive outcome.
As I'm nearing the end of my year long dating cycle/experiments/experiences, I'm happy for each of them as they've taught me things good and bad and I know that I have nothing left undone. I'm open, ready, and more than willing to receive his love; be his woman; and have the healthy and well-balanced relationship we're supposed to have.
Love in my 40's is more awesome and powerful than ever.
Funny how people of a vein tend to think not only alike, but of certain subjects at the same time.
Talked with AKA about Steve McNair ... include a little about him in post today too. As Paul Harvey says, AKA told me 'the rest of the story'.
But for me, the rest of the story mattered less than the fact that the girl who may have killed him was 21. 21?!? All that a 21 year old girl can do for me is introduce me to her divorced mother, hot aunt, or growned up 30+ foxy sister. I am not interested in any of the stupidity that comes with youth.
I told her how I enjoy looking and finding beauty within those in my age group ... and being freed from the phony Puritanism of young sex and the baggages that accompanies (why is a woman with 'numbers' a whore, but a man a 'stud'? Why is it only nasty girls do 'this', and guys pretend it is to nasty to do 'that'as if they are unrelated, but it IS going to get done... ya know?) sex in the 20's.
I look forward to the unbridled passion that a woman in my age group can bring. They are more likely to have 'gotten over themselves', and want something real and can recognize a 'real relationship' better.
But if I see one more growned up man, with his jeans saggin' ... all I can say is that it isn't me. I retired from the games in my early thirties, and never looked back. I think I have discovered more about myself than I ever did in being reckless, and would rather continue on without trying to assuage my ego at the expense of finding a more fulfilling relationship thru monagamy.
@Negril: "Love's Devine." I got a chill. Those words invoke a lovely picture. Dayum.
@Big Mark: ::high five:: You ain't nevah lied about folk not only thinking alike, but thinking of certain subjects at the same time.
Steve McNair. Messin around with a girl. A GIRL.
Recently, Jon (of Jon and Kate Plus Eight) went public with his new squeeze. She's 22 and a documented party girl. The pictures are unmistakable. How does a mature man with 8 kids start running around with a 22-year old party girl before he even gets through a divorce? Well... really... we know how... but he obviously wasn't looking for the maturity and stability that a step-mother of eight children would NEED.
In other words, he's up for the chaos to feed a much more temporary itch. 'Cause any man dating a 22-year old party girl is a fool to not expect some kind of drama. I hope he doesn't think he's gonna make her a housewife!
I think young'uns can be fine to look at (especially if I'm looking at them pictorially), but overall, I couldn't imagine being with a woman who wasn't at least in her 30s, now that I'm just over 40 myself.
Not that I figure I'll have to worry about it. I don't think Mrs. Blue is ready to kick me to the curb, and I'm not ready to let her go either. But as with your relationship, you never know...
The uncertainty of youth...it sounds and feels frustrating at times to hear people tell you "it's a phase" and " you'll understand it better yrs down the road". It doesn't change the fact that love eludes me while dealing with the question of "who am I?" A walking question mark I tell ya!
Hello Danisha!
I hear ya on that one. While young, the emotion is real, so it's difficult to hear folks essentially discount and dismiss your experience.
Discount & dismiss because they have already gone thru it and learned their lessons. I end up feeling stupid like everyone knows the inside joke but it went over my head. But, I take in in stride and know it's something I gotta go thru. It stings, burns, and down right rips skin off but that's youth, right?
@ Denisha.
One of the best things you can do as a young person is to forgive yourself for your mistakes. The outside world is not willing, especially people who feel like they are giving you constructive advice.
If they knew what they were doing, it is only because they experience some heart ache and pain. More often than not, they are just stumbling around themselves.
You got it right, that is what youth is about. Maybe there is an inside joke, but no one else knows the punchline themselves, that is why they don't laugh as hard as they did at first ...
...trying to go 'metaphor for metaphor' with you. Now you did the skin ripping thing. But you are aware that if you let the scab do its job, it doesn't have to hurt when it either falls off or get pulled, right?
May look a little bad, but in the big picture, the time is such a small price compared to having the wound heal and leaves nothing noticeable, or something you would object to.
Take your time, let your scar do its healing, and when it is done, you will be able to go on as beautiful as you did when you started!
Whew!!
Dayum, that was beautiful, Mark. All I can add to his advice is a {{hug}} for Denisha.
Come to think of it, if older bitter folks would give out more hugs than craptastic advice, the younger folks would have the tools to turn this thing around! :-)
Thanks Mark....that was simply beautiful :)
Thanks Mark :) that was simply beautiful!
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