I know I'm on strike. Stop looking at me funny. I just need to stick a single toe over the picket line to share what I thought was a FANTASTIC article about assessing the health of your relationship (past or present). The author, Susan J. Elliot, offers 10 evaluation factors that hit the damn nail on the head.If you're pining over an ex, use the checklist to see if you're deluding yourself about wanting them back. If you are already in a relationship, use the checklist to see if you need to run screaming into the night.
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THE CHECKLIST:
Recheck: Was Your Relationship Good for You?
SOURCE:
Getting Past Your Past (Blog)
AUTHOR:
Susan J. Elliot,
Lawyer, Counselor, and Author of Getting Past Your Breakup.
6 comments:
We can 'talk' about this if you would like ... I am too tired right now, so I will show you what I posted.
1. Safety - With my ex wife, I wasn't safe because she was a bigger puncher than I was, on the real. The weird thing about it, is that she slung the right hand, which meant I should have been able to step inside and beat it with my hook. But as tongue in cheek as this may sound, there is a lot of truth to that.
No, I wasn't safe. It was hard to sleep at night with her. Really, why couldn't she had someone on the side or something? Anything other than the violence ...
2. Self-esteem - Mookie, my one time fiancee, chipped away at that. Thing is, because of my experiences and where I came from as a 'other' in high school, when someone make me feel insecure like that I don't fall for it. I do the 'Stuart Smalley' thing, and if I feel good about myself, then I don't bother with what someone is trying to make me feel.
I own what I did, not what someone puts on me.
3. My ex and my beloved Delta girl kind of put the brakes on my boxing career. My ex wife took several of my young, 'good years', and My Delta Girl wasn't keen on my fighting and being away like I was. She'd come around, but stuff had happened, and there you go.
4. Children. Ooh, next question. Got to read on my journal to find out about all that!!
5. Finances. While it played a factor in my marriage, it really became a problem with Mookie. We never sat down and faced our situation, despite my attempts to make a budget our priority. Then when she found out that her job was going to be dissolved in a merger, I was so not ready to go thru that. We had a difference of opinion before things were 'tight', now that they were upon us, I did not think we'd find a way. Not because it was impossible, but because she wasn't willing to work things out with me.
6. Stamina - Again, with Mookie my stamina and health was affected by our relationship. I couldn't sleep and would stay awake late into the night, early morning. I felt all of the things, couldn't turn off my mind, and would stumble around the next day.
7. No legal, sorry. Not that I am a boy scout, but other than the odd traffic ticket, no problems with John Q. Law
8. Uh, I look good!! And she kept herself up, though she could have stood to lose some weight and get in better physical condition. Really, I don't think this was an issue.
9. Knowing what a good relationship entails - This is something that I would gig many a sister on. Before I start, when I begin to date men, I will list the problems they have on this subject. That said...
I am not sure if it is a result of the oppression of blacks in general, or the celebration of the negative in our present culture, but for sure, the black women seem to be drawn to a certain kind of dangerous black man, one who demonstrates little of the qualities that would make him a good partner.
The 'street' or 'thug' brother, with his 'cred' and 'ghetto pass' ... resembling a caricature of the current rap stereotypes that is on the airwaves. The only place that the behaviour of this cat is tolerated is outside of the societal 'goals' for a long term partnership/marriage.
But this is the one who is celebrated as he is demonized. Though it is known how risky being involved with one of these dead end kids, sisters seem to fall for it all the while bemoaning the very behaviour that caught their eye.
Also, because of the black condition, there is not enough examples in the community for kids to grow up with, learning how to carry and present themselves in a healthy relationship. This affect sister girls more, because they are usually burdened with the role of caring for the children, in or out of marriage. It means they have to sacrifice their hopes in order to provide hope elsewhere.
I think the results have brought us to where we are now, with black women admiring the things that they will eventually condemn in a brother, and brothers having no real motivation to be any different than what they are.
Love - Again, broad strokes. It is hard for either a brother or a sister to know what the responsibility of love is, without seeing it practice in the home or shown in cultural mediums, the television or radio, or in any form of literature on a consistent basis.
So it could be said that many of us don't know how to be in love. Women don't recognize it, and men won't step up and show it
There was some useful stuff over there ... good tips, and very lively comments too.
Big Mark... once again... I LOVE reading your comments. And I thank you for sharing some of your conclusions in your personal assessment.
...It means they have to sacrifice their hopes in order to provide hope elsewhere.I haven't found better words to describe this. You capture the essence of the burden. Lost hope can almost destroy a person. Imagine holding somebody else above water while submerged under the great weight...
Imagine holding somebody else above water while submerged under the great weight...
...that is it. Most men can't, and that is a big part of the gender problem. Then you get into how society divides into groups, and you can pour those problems over the top.
Mark, that is very interesting. You find that men aren't as sacrificial - (and I don't mean they don't care) - but they aren't willing to be a martyr for the cause of a relationship (to the same degree that women are). And I assume that applies to romantic relationships, family, etc.
I have been reading A LOT at the "Getting Past Your Past" blog ever since I saw the link over at The Breakup Diaries. There is some really good stuff there, and today I followed a comment string to a book about codependency. Now I don't know if I buy into the philosophy of codependency when presented like some kind of disease, but it does remind me of our discussion here...
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