This blog post came to me as I drove to work today. Seriously. (Damn I watch too much Grey's Anatomy, but I digress.)
Anyway, I thought of the four major bits of advice that my mother offered about marriage/relationships:
1. Men want a lady in public and a freak in the bedroom.
2. Keep your hygiene tight.
3. Don't be dependent on anybody. Be an independent woman with your own stuff so you can take care of yourself.
4. Men are intimidated by smart women. You'll probably need an older man to appreciate and keep pace with you.
Some of that information is useful, or at least backed by a reasonable principle. But do you see what's missing?
Don't see it? Lemme take you to a conversation I overhead in the ladies room between a young teen and an older
Honey... Please. Forget about the fantasy. Find yourself a rich older man and get yourself some money. My husband is a pain in the ass.
Do you see what's missing from this advice?
Just in case your brain is functioning at the same level as the nearest coma patient, here's one more try. This came from a slightly older woman as I lamented during the lowest point of my failed marriage:
Marriage isn't great. You're just supposed to be content, not necessarily elated. You raise the kids and have a partner.
What's desperately missing from the stories we pass down is what a strong partnership can and should be. Relationship advice from bitter adults is loaded with warnings... and flags... and hurt... and sirens... and selfishness. How in the fucking world do we hope our kids find love when we made marriage seem like a black hole of despair? How do we skip over the lessons about the giving nature of love right to the "get yours or get out?" How do we roll our eyes at romance and wonder why girls and boys invent words like "da hookup?"This is where I admit that I am a lucky sonofabitch. My man and I somehow managed to come out of such mine-fields with deep faith in the power of love. We didn't buy the hype that marriage is a booby-trap and life-long love can't exist. We still fight the demons that cling to our clothes as we sprint away from the lies and experiences that almost broke us. Shit, sometimes I give him the side-eye as a potential cheater only because his anatomy features a twig and man-berries (or because I'm overcome by demonic PMS). That's the baggage, ladies and gentleman, that we need to spare dumping on the next girl or boy who just might grow-up to make a great spouse if we let 'em.
6 comments:
And I say Amen! I'm well aware of the advice (of course used loosely)from parents and those who feel they're in a position to dole it out. Uh? Really? NO!!! I've found if the relationship is good, those in it, don't really have to speak much on it as their actions toward each other and those around them speak for itself and those of us that need to know how they do it will ask. It's then that we get to the nitty-gritty and the truth about what works and what doesn't. I've found it's those who suffer through the facsimile of a relationship that are the ones you run to the hills from.
My parents have shown me how not to be in a relationship and I rarely take or ask relationship advise from either. It's with people such as yourself where the truth can and will be spoken where I'd rather seek information from.
Yet, another good post.
LOL. Amen to parents showing us how NOT to be in a relationship. And when the first bit of advice comes out like a bitter pill, I agree it's time to run for the hills. hehe
I liked how the previous comment spoke of how she didn't take advice from her parents ... IMO, that is a big part of the problem there, that people get poor advice and then go out and act like a putz when they are in a relationship.
Good to hear you and your man are still finding the magic of being with each other. Great that you know how lucky you are as well! I need some of that luck!
@Big Mark - Thanks! It was very important for me to understand that the modeling that my parents gave me adversely affected the way I acted and allowed myself to be treated in relationships. Over time, I healed and can now make better choices/decisions for myself and how I'm treated.
I'm a parent of a 17 y/o and I teach her the right ways and give her positive advise/modeling so she'll know how she's suppose to act and be treated. She deserves that.
Love to live; live to love!
FABULOUS!
As I am newly divorced I am still in awe of the power of love! I will get married again...YES! Becasue I beleive in love and marriage.
You are right on so many levels and I have heard folks speak so ill of marriage. I am not that way. I've had my moments of thinking why bother...but those were fleeting!
GREAT POST!
Lovebabz... I always admire women of faith in all things good... like the monumental power of love (and value of marriage).
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