Bad Boy, Bad Boy... Whatcha Gonna Do... (Part 1 of 3?)

Whatcha gonna do when we come for you...

No bitter relationship debate blazes hotter than the discussion of a woman's attraction to Bad Boys. In fact, I witnessed quite a few nerds with high-water pants and pocket protectors explode into a messy heap trying to contain their angst about women falling for the stereotypical Bad Boys.

The blogosphere is loaded with outbreaks of heated exchange about "the good guys finishing last" and I call bullshit on most of it. Far too many of these outbursts feature psycho-babble about women with low self-esteem who cling to Bad Boys while "settling for less" - and worse - enduring all kinds of abuse. Lemme introduce a few points that I hope to break-down later:

The Hypocrisy of "Bad Girlism"
Most of the "good guys" complaining about empty black books perpetrate the same level of discrimination against "good girls." They want "Perfect 10" beautiful women who know how to have a good time. Why not take a second glance at intelligent Plain Janes? In other words, the good boys who complain about dateless nights are ignoring many of the good girls available on Friday nights. Hypocrite much?

Values and Offerings
Without a doubt, we typically chose dates and mates based on current desires and values. My ex-husband looked great on paper. I valued that. I wanted a family man with a great job. I wasn't overly concerned about head-over-heels love or great sex. I didn't think the first was necessary and I had already had tons of the other.

Years after the fiasco marriage ended, I realized I wanted to be madly in love and have great sex. That doesn't mean I dropped the other values, but I adjusted my scale. Money can never compensate for romance and intimacy (unless you're Donald Trump), so my sweetheart... well... let's just say he's looking for work right now but the rest is TIGHT.

Good and Bad Defined
While sniffing around the internet for more blog dialogue about "Good and Bad Boys," I came across Ndel's definition of each:

Good Boys: He’s nice. He has a good job. He brings you flowers. He is faithful. He is honest. Okay, three out of five ain’t bad. Momma said he would be a nice boy, from a good family. Hopefully, a doctor, but not a lawyer. A banker, but not a broker. In insurance, but not in assurance. A police officer, but not a security guard.

Bad Boys: He’s dangerous. He’s fast. He runs with the wrong crowd. He’ll get you in the wrong way. He won’t be faithful. He’ll leave you, or even worse, he’ll leave you with no money. And a vaginally disfiguring disease.

While many definitions seem to focus on looks (nerd vs. hottie), money (doctor vs. janitor), or chivalry (opening doors vs. grabbing crotch), Ndel gets my standing ovation by nailing the heart of the matter:

But let’s expand the definition of Bad Boy. It really includes men with high levels of toxicity of all types – emotional and physical.

And to me, that's the point. So many of these Bad Boy debates are polluted with stereotypes of the hopeless nerd vs. the leather-clad bike rider, and too many participants are arguing from specific bad experiences with a certain "type."

I've dealt with toxic men in all forms... from Bad Boys to those with the appearance of a textbook gentleman. I have also had wonderful experiences with others, including a Bad Boy during my youth who I drove to his probation check-ins (and ultimately returned to jail years after we parted).

So in the next part, I hope to deal with the stereotype and get back to examining "toxicity" as the better foundation for determining what's "Bad" for relationship health.