Thursday, December 8, 2011

His Side has left the building

... along with Elvis and my battle to balance hope and disappointment.

As an overachiever, I didn't end this battle after quiet contemplation. That's too simple. ::eyeroll:: There were neighbors... and cops... and domestic violence papers... and changed locks. Thankfully, two guests didn't show up to the party: Tears and Regret.

Lemme go back. His Side recently made a remarkable move. He reached out to medical professionals for the help he needed to fight his formidable demons. I supported him as a friend, allowed him to remain in my home, and actually witnessed a marked improvement. He stopped drinking, gave up his tendency to try and control everyone (but himself), and conducted himself like a rational person experiencing a prolonged moment of clarity.

Then came the lapse. The meltdown.

He decided to get drunk on the vodka we purchased for friends and lost his damn mind. Seriously. And literally. He went to that place where the light behind his eyes go dark, reality escapes him, and a target must be sought. As I sat silently waiting for the storm to end, he couldn't stand my unwillingness to engage... so he threw me to the floor. By. My. FACE. It was the mush heard round the world. I hit the floor like a rock and went straight for the phone to call the police. He twisted my arm until I let go the house phone and took my cell. I got my son out of bed, went to the neighbors, and called the cops.

To make a long story short, I opted not to press charges so long as he was removed from the home. To his cousin's he went in a police car, as I stared at the police report - wondering how I endured the patience and longsuffering of hope.

Even as I sit here, 3 weeks later, I have trouble finding the words to express how this has changed my life. I am so satisfied that my daily energy isn't spent trying to help somebody who floats in and out of helping themselves. I cook more, relax more, and enjoy the slow process of getting my house back into order. Yet somehow, I don't regret the time I spent loving His Side and hoping he would win the fight against his heavy baggage. Hell, I still love him, but from AFAR.

Even though his apologies have been heartfelt and sincere, I was relieved to see the moment he realized there is no way back into my life. While he fights a new demon - the weight of regret - I relish the freedom of releasing all of his baggage back into his care. Unlike the past, I don't feel concerned that he may not make it. I'm alright with his success or his failure because I let it go without the remnant of feeling any responsibility.

Sadness, embarrassment, and lonliness were fleeting feelings. But this satisfaction I'm feeling is permanent.


Lovebabz said...

Dearest, Dearest Sister,

You are AMAZING!!!!!

To seek and find love in the most challenging of efforts. You are "Old Skool" You are Donnie Hathaway...and Nina Simone.

Gurl you make me me feel proud and inferior. You know something about love until it hurts. Is that right? Is that wrong? Sister it just is.

Love calls us to be present...and you were. You were better than your situation...feel me?

You have acquired life sustaining tools. Now put away your weapons of war and start again...fresh.

The next/new love will not be what was. This, my Sister will become a distant memory. Hold fast to the LOVE. Let go of the DRAMA.

There is a new day to be born. Allow its birth. YOU LOVED HIM...that in and of itself is and was DIVINE. Now let go and let GOD.

March across the stage. You have graduated... pick up your degree and keep it moving.

Now here is the lesson: Love is not pain. Love is not fear. Love is not second guessing. Love is not negativity. Let GO!

Your destiny is not here. Now go and seek your glory. GOD has always had a plan for you.

GOD has always had a plan for you!

Go get it. GO GET IT!

You always had the power Dorothy...always had the power.

Her Side said...

Love calls us to be present...and you were.

I'm crying today. Right now. Because today offered another low. I wanted to euthanize this old flame with one shot, but the real death has been slow with painful bumps in the road.

Your comment left me believing - no remembering - that something great will come from this. I was truly and fully present in this situation - in a way I haven't experienced before. I owned it all - every choice (right and wrong). I was transparent and gave myself permission to be vulnerable. Because of that, I can't and don't feel cheated. In the midst of the sorrow, I feel valiant and vindicated.

I learned the best and the worst of myself, and I'm thankful for the lessons in both.

Thank you, sister.

Possum said...

"Love is not pain. Love is not fear. Love is not second guessing. Love is not negativity."...words we should all write all over our daily lives!

I believe you are awesome and I hope you believe you are too!
Strength to you!!

Lovebabz said...

Wishing you a joyful, reflective, contemplative Merry Christmas!

I have every faith in you moving forward with grace and peace.

You have everything you need.


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