Thursday, August 13, 2009

Balancing Hope and Disappointment After a Breakup, Part 3 of ?

The words of BSEW regular, Big Mark, triggered this series for sure. He offered the following words to describe the His Side/Her Side split (and pinpointed a deep feeling that I had yet to specify on my own):

Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure.

So instead of cussing out Big Mark for swimming around in my head and finding the words I couldn't even express, I decided to blog about it. LOL


Continued from Part 2, which I had to break apart because it was becomming its own damn book...

= = = = = = = = = = = =

The weekend ended when His Side returned to his cousin's house, tried to call me, but I was on the phone with an old friend that I reconnected with. The old friend was a flame in my late teens, and we've had a good time catching-up on all the changes that 20 years can bring. His Side Lost. His. Mind.... first when the reconnection was revealed through the magic of Facebook friends lists, and then when His Side actually couldn't reach me because my phone was busy. The nerve of me using my phone. Based on the accusation, clearly old friends only reconnect to make plans for hot steamy affairs... right?

Anyway, I take ownership of three mistakes I made in this process:

1. I underestimated the challenge ahead of me and got loose on my watch.

2. I greatly underestimated how difficult it would be for His Side to fight his own personal battle with hope and dissapointment.

3. I didn't take the sage advice to go "no contact" for at least 30 days straight after the breakup. Somewhere deep inside me, a naive hopeful girl believes friendship should never die. Well part of that girl died this past weekend. She needed to. And the next time I see her, I'm gonna slap her in the mouwf.

Everything happens for a reason. (Dammit. Another cliche I couldn't avoid because of the unmistakable truth at its core. But I digress...) Even our mistakes become springboards for lessons that we need to learn. I count this the tuning point in successfully balancing hope wiht disappointment.

I suspect there will be a Part 4 to this series. Shit, I may do like Rocky, forget when to stop making more "parts," and just continue this until I'm too old to box I complete all the transitions that come with the territory.

Holla at me in the comments... even if it's to spank me for being dense. Y'all know I can take it.

14 comments:

Lovebabz said...

RULE #1 BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

RULE #2 WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE LAPSING OR YOUR HAVE MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS REFER BACK TO RULE #1.

((HUGS))

Her Side said...

I need to write those rules on my mirror. Better yet, I need to WRITE THEM INSIDE MY EYELIDS.

I need so many things right now. Better sleep. More peaceful rest. Time alone. And a few bucks even. LOL I plan to make sure I get those things. Thanks again for the friendly reminder about BEING KIND TO MYSELF!

Deacon Blue said...

It's easy to slap ourselves silly...hell, it's easy to slap someone else for their missteps.

But the fact is that it's all too easy to make mistakes. You still have emotional connections to His Side (probably healthy and unhealthy both) and so you're not always as on guard as you should be and not always able to stop yourself from taking a course of action.

The important thing is to do as you seem to be doing...not let those mistakes lead to bigger mistakes and not putting yourself on a road to rebuilding a shattered house that doesn't even had a good foundation laid down yet.

Here's to fewer mistakes, few self-flagellations, and smoother roads toward either cutting His Side loose entirely, or one day (and it may be long in the future perhaps) being real friends with each other.

Krissy said...

I was too one who thought friendships wouldn't die post relationship. I was WRONG and learned that the hard way. Maybe down the line the friendship will form but right after a relationship ends the wounds are too fresh to even think about going on as friends. It takes time to even get to that point.

Her Side said...

@Deacon Blue:

You still have emotional connections to His Side (probably healthy and unhealthy both) and so you're not always as on guard as you should be and not always able to stop yourself from taking a course of action.

Hmmmm... I had to think about that for a second, because the comment struck me. And you are absolutely right about the connections being both healthy and unhealthy.

And same for him. He isn't all bad or some kind of evil-incarnate dropped on planet earth to ruin my world. The last time I checked, I wasn't perfect either. I've needed my own forgiveness for acting like an ass...

And that begins some of my soul searching to eventually respond to Lovebabz comment about determining what "payoff" I receive from having any contact with His Side.

I have ruled out desperation. Thank God that isn't one that pops-up in my vocabulary. LOL I have ruled out fear. Now it's time to dig deep and rule some things in.

Her Side said...

Krissy: I hear ya! Somehow I measured that the older you get, the easier (and shorter) it should be to maintain friendship after a breakup. And some things just can't be learned without experience. (Such as driving and surviving the ups and downs of relationships. hehe)

Denisha said...

I've kicked myself so many times because of my own mistakes, expecting utopia following a relationship, and even failing to realize I am human. But, the lessons learned after the fact are GREAT! :) Fantastic! It's just getting to that point that hurts so (as stated earlier lol) be kind to yourself.

Negril said...

I thought I commented on this, but it appears that I haven't. Or I did, and you haven't approved it. Either way, I have this to say...

Having been through the emotional washing machine with someone I thought I could maintain a friendship with and we weren't even in a relationship, I can honestly say, you're NOT ready to be 'just friends'. Neither of you have reached that place; he more than you.

Friendship requires at minimum these three things for its foundation
1)honesty; especially emotional
2)communication
3)trust

Right now, each of those factors are very much missing.
While you're an honest person Her Side, your emotions are still playing a major role in how you allow contact and interaction to exist with His Side; therefore,compromising your emotional integrity. You know you don't want to be in a relationship with him, but he can separate platonic from intimate and any contact with you inspires intimacy on his part.

The communication broke down a long time ago and it's erratic at best because you say one thing and he hears something else. His communication leaps from sedate to volatile like a Porshe going 0-60.

The trust isn't there because he's still holding on to past pain and you're not feeling his growth at the moment; therefore creating an unstable ground.

With these primary factors being ill-balanced, there will always be room for mixed signals, which can lead to any number of outcomes. Now, I'm not saying that friendship can't or won't occur; now just isn't the time.

Deuces!

Her Side said...

Hey Negril! There was no other comment in the box for this post, so your old comment may have been to another post (or floating in cyber space :-) )

Big Mark 243 said...

No advice, since everyone here has more than covered that part ...

The old friend was a flame in my late teens, and we've had a good time catching-up on all the changes that 20 years can bring. His Side Lost. His. Mind.... first when the reconnection was revealed through the magic of Facebook friends lists

... uh, you are aware that THIS is just what happened to me. That the SFC found me on Face Book for the purpose of hooking up, right?

C'est la vie Face Book!!

Her Side said...

OMG, Big Mark. Hilarious! I keep reading the most interesting stories of how Facebook has altered the playing field with regards to romantic relationships and even marriages.

ladytruth said...

I can't remember one relationship where the song "We used to be friends" didn't start playing in my mind. It's my first visit here and I'm thinking of making myself comfortable. Thanks for following me, by the way :)

ladytruth said...

I have something for you over at my blog :)

Her Side said...

Dammit, ladytruth. Would you believe I am JUST getting over to your blog to see the surprise???

I have some reading to catch-up on. I thank you so very much!

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