The words of BSEW regular, Big Mark, triggered this series for sure. He offered the following words to describe the His Side/Her Side split (and pinpointed a deep feeling that I had yet to specify on my own):
Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure.
So instead of cussing out Big Mark for swimming around in my head and finding the words I couldn't even express, I decided to blog about it. LOL
Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure.
So instead of cussing out Big Mark for swimming around in my head and finding the words I couldn't even express, I decided to blog about it. LOL
Welcome to Part 2 of The Shittiest Lesson EVAH
I have been working on Part 2 of this series for weeeeeks. The landscape of this battle changes so often, that my draft posts go stale before I have a chance to dot the i's and hit "publish."
But today I reached a place where I can say something important about the ongoing battle - a battle I never expected to present so many challenges. I have to thank Mark again for forcing me to pay attention.
Most of the time, I'd say 85% of the time, His Side and I have a great time re-exploring friendship without the stress of "working on relationship issues." Those issues became deeply distracting, and we owed it to each other to go to our separate corners to work it out. That 85% represents "Hope." But the other 15% of the time, OH GOOD LORDIE, we take randomly unexpected turns manifesting "Disappointment."
His Side fluctuates between two ends of the spectrum: Deep understanding of how much time it would take for us to come together again in the future and hurt frustration that wants to make it happen right now.
I stay firm on the expectation that reconciliation would take a looooong time, but find myself feeling frustrated at key times that he seems to avoid his personal business with eyes fixed on recreating an "us." Dammit, how is that time gonna come while I'm still young enough to have wild sex if you keep wasting the days on dumb shit?
Anyway, it isn't fair for either of us to dump our disappointment on the other. My style is to go all blue and get motherly about his decisions. His style is to have a blow out until he hits the right button and I go up like a flare.
This weekend was particularly bad. We spend time together every-other weekend, but this weekend he was on a deep romantic mission. He got nasty when I didn't flow with it, and he said more hurtful things than a single human should say in a lifetime. I was floored. And I reacted. Talk about a flare. I think my hair caught on fire.
He continued the rip bouncing back and forth between apologies and more frustrated words. For the first time, I wondered if this was a person I even wanted as a distant associate. I simply told him, "Friends don't treat each other this way, and there's no way I can count you a friend."
It was like the end of an era. It was like breaking up all over again.
Worst of all, it was like looking into the eyes of a stranger who evokes fond memories because he bears a striking resemblance to a lost loved-one. Except it's not the loved one, and you have to deal with the reality of who is standing in front of you.
:: breaking the rest into Part 3, which will auto-publish in 2 days, because this is a long one ::
But today I reached a place where I can say something important about the ongoing battle - a battle I never expected to present so many challenges. I have to thank Mark again for forcing me to pay attention.
Most of the time, I'd say 85% of the time, His Side and I have a great time re-exploring friendship without the stress of "working on relationship issues." Those issues became deeply distracting, and we owed it to each other to go to our separate corners to work it out. That 85% represents "Hope." But the other 15% of the time, OH GOOD LORDIE, we take randomly unexpected turns manifesting "Disappointment."
His Side fluctuates between two ends of the spectrum: Deep understanding of how much time it would take for us to come together again in the future and hurt frustration that wants to make it happen right now.
I stay firm on the expectation that reconciliation would take a looooong time, but find myself feeling frustrated at key times that he seems to avoid his personal business with eyes fixed on recreating an "us." Dammit, how is that time gonna come while I'm still young enough to have wild sex if you keep wasting the days on dumb shit?
Anyway, it isn't fair for either of us to dump our disappointment on the other. My style is to go all blue and get motherly about his decisions. His style is to have a blow out until he hits the right button and I go up like a flare.
This weekend was particularly bad. We spend time together every-other weekend, but this weekend he was on a deep romantic mission. He got nasty when I didn't flow with it, and he said more hurtful things than a single human should say in a lifetime. I was floored. And I reacted. Talk about a flare. I think my hair caught on fire.
He continued the rip bouncing back and forth between apologies and more frustrated words. For the first time, I wondered if this was a person I even wanted as a distant associate. I simply told him, "Friends don't treat each other this way, and there's no way I can count you a friend."
It was like the end of an era. It was like breaking up all over again.
Worst of all, it was like looking into the eyes of a stranger who evokes fond memories because he bears a striking resemblance to a lost loved-one. Except it's not the loved one, and you have to deal with the reality of who is standing in front of you.
:: breaking the rest into Part 3, which will auto-publish in 2 days, because this is a long one ::
6 comments:
"Friends don't treat each other this way, and there's no way I can count you a friend."
That was said as much for YOU as it was him. 'Deathless words' are those certain words that when strung together hang in your mind like a towel used when you are out swimming in the lake.
There is a reason the towel is damp and heavy, just as those words are. Men aren't really verbal creatures, but they themselves should know that. The reason that some don't, is because they go unpunished for their errors.
At some point, they have to suffer hard, hard, lessons. His Side may be due one.
There is an idea I have been examining recently. An athelete doesn't mind discipline when it makes him better at what he is trying to do. It could be said of the character of MAN himself (one of the reasons that I use sports and war analogies, is that I don't know of any other experience where a man's character is revealed to such an extent ... not even in fatherhood or marriage will it be so clear as it is in war or the pursuit of sporting enjoyment).
But to be able to make him better, he has to first WANT to be better. Going by this exchange, I don't think that His Side is 'getting it'. He WANTS it to be better, but doesn't want to work at it. That is why Yoda had so much trouble with Luke in the 'Empire Strikes Back' at first. What Luke wanted wasn't what he got. He had to be convinced to the point of losing his opportunity that he was on the path he should be on.
Can't fix that. Just as Luke had to 'get over himself' to learn, His Side has to get over himself. Don't need a specific, because in general, someone this childish can be set aside.
'You should have done better in High School', IS what I told Mookie in my 'exit interview'. She wanted certain things, but what did she have to offer for them? What had she done to be suitable for the cat she described? And for him to be able to do half, not all, of the things I did for her ... she needed to go to MIT and get one of them engineers or something.
That would have also meant something OF HER. His Side similiarly doesn't seem to get it. Is he doing anything different with himself to where things have really changed? Lashing out to hurt someone, usually is a sign that they aren't ready for what they want, let alone the person they are trying to be with. There is a lot of 'self' for him to get over.
Girl, I have to say 'let him'. Let him go and grow on his own. It isn't anything wrong about doing that. He needs this time for growth and self examination if he is going to pull himself out of his own PERSONAL (you don't think I don't know this guy is in a jam all of his own??) RUT, he has to learn lessons that will make him a better partner to you. Period.
His frustrations aren't your fault. They are his. HE needs to deal with that. What you may need to do is not put him on the shelf, but put him with the other out of season merchandise, and get on with the get on.
Okay, so I'm going to say, "I told you so!" Why? Because I said you should have no contact for at least a month. You both; especially His Side needed time apart to start to assess what took place. In addition, you know how he plays hardball when he can't and doesn't get his way, which manifests itself in a verbal slamfest.
While I'm certainly not opposed to exes being friends, I am opposed to one party or both, not being fully aware of the totality of the boundaries that need to be established and set. In His Sides mind, sharing time equals "we're getting back together...this is just a phase she's going through". In your mind it's, "he was my best friend...we used to have fun together...I think we can be friends without the drama". WRONG.ANSWER!!!
Until he delves deep enough to truly and fully understand the merit of being called a friend WITHOUT benefits, he's always going to have that wild card and play it. He's always going to "resemble" the lost loved one because that's what he is...a lost loved one. He lost his status and position when he continually showed his ass when things didn't go his way. Your desire to want to make things right has not dissipated from his mind and he feels you'll soon wear down and take him back.
Her Side, you know you're my girl and you know we roll with full honesty, so I'm going to say this one last time...Take a full and complete stand to have not contact with him.
This line reigns supreme in this post..."Keeping the disappointment from mixing with the hopes is a challenge for sure." This is reminiscent of reading a post by Joe...need I say more?
So, as I fall back from my keyboard lashing, I will say that I applaud your willingness to still try to see the good in His Side because it really does exist. However, it will only be efficient if he realizes that without roots there is no stability.
Deuces!
Negril is so sweet and polite with that ... but I think she is so right. Stay away from him and go on and start pursuing your life. He has only a few cards to play, and if you keep in touch, he will be able to play them.
Listen to your girl!! She is on the money with this one!!
Fo sho! I know without a doubt that Negril is on-point. And I am holding myself responsible... today... for making the adjustment and cutting this loose.
I remember the day I cut off the relationship. It was such a moment of stark clarity, that if I was wrong, Jesus himself would have had to descend from heaven with that message.
But I've been slow to stop the madness on the friendship front. And there's no excuse for that. I don't understand it. But I don't have to. I just need to DO THE RIGHT THING.
I thank y'all for the comments. It all goes into the pot towards invoking the wisdom I know I have and closing the door.
Your last paragraph was so touching abt looking at the person remembering the love & memories but knowing that person is no longer there. Bittersweet. Take care :)
Thanks, Denisha!
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