Monday, March 30, 2009

Just when you thought I disappeared...

... I returned from another week away (business trip) and tippy-toed back into my own blog. I used the back door like a common cat-burglar, hoping folks would forgive me for leaving 'em hanging.

Vacation week to Vegas with Dickhead was interesting. A good kinda interesting. We enjoyed ourselves like friends do.

But my business trip just a week after returning from Vegas was a different kind of eye-opener. Or eye-closer. Depends on how you look at it. 'Cause the results are more like a cringe than a grin. A week apart from each other led to soul searching. My return quickly led to disagreements ala sparring Hollywood couples rallying barreling towards divorce and citing the uber-ambiguous excuse "Irreconcilable Differences."

While submerged on a pillow-top bed in front of a large flat-screen HD television, I stole an opportunity to measure and weigh my own observations over the course of our two-plus-year relationship. From the hammock in my mind, I saw how Dickhead's general problem with jealousy is much more about a more specific struggle with bitterness and anger. Too bad he hasn't mastered the art of seperating our existence from the pool of past hurts in which he continues to do the backstroke.

The spark for his fuse can be a simple misunderstanding or a too-long look from another man. His nature is to flare up - and fire off - before really thinking about where his fool ass is going. He has brilliant moments of clarity where he recognizes the behavior, but dark lows when it comes to controlling it with knowledge.

Dickhead's combative nature left me with a decision to make. Do I trust he's dedicated to healing the areas where the fuse was born? Do I believe he'll consider the professional help he talked about? Do I hold onto the truth that his own combative dad and years in the military left literal and figurative battle scars that can heal? Or do I acknowledge my love for the man but keep it moving since combat and peace can't coexist?

I have been leaning - basically falling - to the side of "keep it moving." I don't subscribe to the school of changing anybody... not even attempting to change those who want to flip their script. Too many men and women carry false hope of change into relationships. Changing a person just isn't an option 'cause it isn't fucking possible. BUT... I have also seen people, like my father, change a destructive nature and really thrive in the beauty of life. How do you ignore the fact and faith that people go through transformations in life?

Damnit. Is that just rolling the dice???

Kinetic energy represents the power of something in motion. Potential energy represents the possible power an object possesses. The kinetic energy of Dickhead's path has overtaken what I see as the potential energy to overcome his personal demons. Waiting on the sidelines is less and less an option for me. If that battle stays on the same path, you'll see this blog become The Breakup Diaries, Part II.

I believe couples should fight through trials. The divorce rate proves that people don't have any fight left in them, or understand the enduring commitment that should come standard with "true love." But when do you abandon ship? In a moment of perfect clarity, can you balance the nature of mature love against your threshold for patience (and possibly pain)?

Who knows. Shit. I'm in the same boat with you. I can speak from a mountaintop about my experiences. On a good day, you may even mistake my wisdom for the Wise King Solomon. But experiences teach new lessons each day. What do you keep and what do you throw away? Eat the meat and spit out the bone. What about the damn gristle?

Some days, I feel about as sure as a stilt-wearing clown walking down the side of an icy mountain.

The story continues...

5 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

First, you write too well to be keeping this talent to yourself. You need to be writing one of those 'urban drama' paperbacks that makes the hood rats think they are literate. For real.

Being a cat, I want to solve things, and here, I don't think that is what I should be trying to do. Now, my big femme side is saying that you just want to vent ... and when I combine them, they say ...

I haven't been to Vegas since the mid 90's! That is like a hundred years the way Vegas changes and reinvents itself!!

Oh, back to your entry. You say your 'beau' (I know it is your pet name, but when you start using names like 'd*ckhead', the sun has begun to set on happiness and balance. Y'all may stay together, but will you ever find happiness?

I have had to ask a woman, if she knew my name. 'Craig' from the 'Fridays' movies was a name that her and her sister's would throw around in conversation, in a 'you know how we do' kind of way. It wasn't until she made the error of calling ME 'Craig' because I had made a mistake and she called me on it, in front of her little girl.

So I went on, got it right, then I said, 'Mookie, do you know my name?' Of course, she was like, 'what do you mean, of course I know your name!'

'What is it?'

Quizzical look. 'Mark ...'

And it hit the fan. I said to her and with her little girl (then 10) right there, that there will be NO MORE calling ANYONE 'Craig', not while I live here. It is a slap in the face, and since you called ME that, I am going to let you know how crappy I think it is, and how humilitating I think it is not just for the subject, but for the person saying to say ...'

I went on, breaking it down to where I am with you, because if you want to believe in you and your cat, you need to stop calling him that. For real.

As far as hanging in with him, well, what kind of rationale did you use for choosing him? Perhaps you need to review that, find out what you first saw, and apply that to what you have now, how it affected where y'all have been, and where y'all are going to go.

See, this therapy thing, makes me think you are in a lot more than your glibness would indicate, another reason the 'name' does you a disservice. You care too much for this cat to call him that, even in jest.

The bottom line is doing what is best, not the easiest. And no, sticking it out isn't tough ... in my mind, that is the EASIEST thing to do. It is like boiling a frog, by incrementally raisng the water temp, so he doesn't know to hop out before the heat kills him.

Finally (after this session of therapy via comment) you only fight when you know if you are going to win or not. Don't think you can win, or the prize isn't enough, same same. DO NOT FIGHT.

That is crap and archaic, that you have to fight to make it work. You may fight thru stuff together, but it shouldn't be a fight to be in love.

L&R
Mark

Her Side said...

Big Mark, a few of your comments remind me that I haven't offered the courtesy of providing a history on me and d*ckh... I mean boo boo. LOL

I really need to go backwards to November 2006, when I absolutely fell in love with the man that I seem so glib about now. It's fair and even necessary to offer such context to readers, because in spite of the hole we're in now... we are stuck to each other for very right reasons.

In terms of fighting to get a relationship back on track, that's more about fighting our own demons than simply "fighting" to be in love.

I love to stop by here and see your comments. My boo boo (one of his many other names... all of them inside jokes - including Dickhead) keeps threatening to leave a post. LOL It is only fair that his perspective gets posted soon... well.... 'cause... how can it be a "couple" blog without it?

Thanks again for stopping by! I hope to get some history posts up soon (from my side and his).

PS: I have been traveling a lot. I'm home now and need to catch up on my blog reading. Expect me to breeze thru your spot soon.

Big Mark 243 said...

I really need to go backwards to November 2006

I think that is when my ex started to fall out of love with me ...

Her Side said...

Damn. November 2006 was a busy month. LOL

Blu Jewel said...

Nov 06 was a turning point for me too. What's really with 11-06? Gonna have to research the numerical meaning.

That aside, I know how you feel on this subject Her Side. I spent a great deal of time evaluating and reevaluating a particular relationship until I was sure I knew where my head was at. I've currently come to the conclusion of being okay with whatever happens between us because time has healed us and proven that our friendship can and has sustained the many tests it's gone through. I'm in no way settling and I'm certainly not walking around with D&G rose colored glasses on. I feel enriched by the encouragement of a very dear and smart girlfriend that it's important for me to know/understand and achieve my own needs/reasons for what I'm looking for. She wants the absolute best for me in terms of a relationship and our co-sharing of experiences has prepared me for the decision I made.

Posts like this and subsequent commentary is what we need to grow and mature well in the many relationships we go through in life. Many of us were failed miserably by our parents in terms of life/relationships, which set the precedence of how we look at both entities. Our sharing of life/relationship experiences are often divulged with an air of bitterness, hurt, and sometimes a demeaning attitude, which hurt/hinder instead of help. We must start talking openly and most of all HONESTLY about things in order for us to achieve love, peace, happiness and real clarity.

I so love this blog.

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