Just when you thought I disappeared...

... I returned from another week away (business trip) and tippy-toed back into my own blog. I used the back door like a common cat-burglar, hoping folks would forgive me for leaving 'em hanging.

Vacation week to Vegas with Dickhead was interesting. A good kinda interesting. We enjoyed ourselves like friends do.

But my business trip just a week after returning from Vegas was a different kind of eye-opener. Or eye-closer. Depends on how you look at it. 'Cause the results are more like a cringe than a grin. A week apart from each other led to soul searching. My return quickly led to disagreements ala sparring Hollywood couples rallying barreling towards divorce and citing the uber-ambiguous excuse "Irreconcilable Differences."

While submerged on a pillow-top bed in front of a large flat-screen HD television, I stole an opportunity to measure and weigh my own observations over the course of our two-plus-year relationship. From the hammock in my mind, I saw how Dickhead's general problem with jealousy is much more about a more specific struggle with bitterness and anger. Too bad he hasn't mastered the art of seperating our existence from the pool of past hurts in which he continues to do the backstroke.

The spark for his fuse can be a simple misunderstanding or a too-long look from another man. His nature is to flare up - and fire off - before really thinking about where his fool ass is going. He has brilliant moments of clarity where he recognizes the behavior, but dark lows when it comes to controlling it with knowledge.

Dickhead's combative nature left me with a decision to make. Do I trust he's dedicated to healing the areas where the fuse was born? Do I believe he'll consider the professional help he talked about? Do I hold onto the truth that his own combative dad and years in the military left literal and figurative battle scars that can heal? Or do I acknowledge my love for the man but keep it moving since combat and peace can't coexist?

I have been leaning - basically falling - to the side of "keep it moving." I don't subscribe to the school of changing anybody... not even attempting to change those who want to flip their script. Too many men and women carry false hope of change into relationships. Changing a person just isn't an option 'cause it isn't fucking possible. BUT... I have also seen people, like my father, change a destructive nature and really thrive in the beauty of life. How do you ignore the fact and faith that people go through transformations in life?

Damnit. Is that just rolling the dice???

Kinetic energy represents the power of something in motion. Potential energy represents the possible power an object possesses. The kinetic energy of Dickhead's path has overtaken what I see as the potential energy to overcome his personal demons. Waiting on the sidelines is less and less an option for me. If that battle stays on the same path, you'll see this blog become The Breakup Diaries, Part II.

I believe couples should fight through trials. The divorce rate proves that people don't have any fight left in them, or understand the enduring commitment that should come standard with "true love." But when do you abandon ship? In a moment of perfect clarity, can you balance the nature of mature love against your threshold for patience (and possibly pain)?

Who knows. Shit. I'm in the same boat with you. I can speak from a mountaintop about my experiences. On a good day, you may even mistake my wisdom for the Wise King Solomon. But experiences teach new lessons each day. What do you keep and what do you throw away? Eat the meat and spit out the bone. What about the damn gristle?

Some days, I feel about as sure as a stilt-wearing clown walking down the side of an icy mountain.

The story continues...