Subtitled: And joy comes in the morning.
From the time I was young until this very day, witnesses have commented on my relationship with my mother. They’ve called her everything from bipolar to mean to simply jealous. Books and blogs that deal with emotionally abusive mothers describe everything from Borderline Personality Disorder to Narcissism. Hell, I have stories that could support any one of those theories. Several years ago during an innocent car ride, she sneered at me “You look just like those women your father cheats on me with… light skin and big boobs.”
Even though one or more of those theories could be true, I subscribe to the basic idea that my mother is chronically and fundamentally unhappy, attempted to relive her life through me (“live vicariously through me,” as she says), and punishes me like an out-of-line prisoner for attempting freedom.
I took the long route to get here, but last night’s a’ha moment may have saved my life. Mom had another epic mental breakdown because my 18-year old son will travel by train to see his father this holiday. His father and I agreed to this and I helped my son arrange for his ticket. Mom believes his father and I should drive for hours on dangerous Christmas Eve-roads to “exchange him” instead.
To make this long story short, she told both of us off over the phone. One at a time. And of course, my tongue lashing came with a sprinkle of unrelated insults, unfounded accusations, fake tears, and a self righteous hang-up. In times past, I may have joined in the escalation – flustered and crying and raising my voice. Not once did I raise my voice or disrespect. In fact, she commented on my calm with disdain. I suspect she was angry that I wasn’t moved by her next epic meltdown. She did all of that in front of my 18-year old son who was sitting on a couch in the same room with her. What kind of mother and grandmother DOES THAT?
After bitter tears of hurt, I finally realized with amazing clarity that it JUST DOESN’T MATTER. It doesn’t matter if I don’t raise my voice. It doesn't matter that I was too big when I carried weight and too small when I lost weight (true story). It doesn’t matter if I use a plane or a train. It doesn’t matter if I post my straight-A report card on her proverbial refrigerator. If I’m not doing something that makes her the center of my world to soothe her emotional needs, then I’m doing something that deserves her verbal abuse. Period.
Today, I freely give up on feeling guilty for ending the plight to please her.
I gladly release myself from pretending to be an extension of her and for protecting her public image to my own emotional detriment.
I readily give myself permission to feel adequate, a feeling I once ran from to escape the cognitive dissonance of having a mother who said I wasn’t.
With relief, I throw away the need to make or accept one more excuse why it’s okay to disregard me as a grown woman and a mother.
With a sincere heart, I can say: “Mom. I love you and forgive you. You don’t ever have to change a single thing about yourself. But I won’t subject myself to this anymore, and I’m willing to gracefully part ways with you if you won’t respect me as more than your whipping post. You aren’t welcome to project your emotional shortcomings and unmet needs onto me – either directly or indirectly through my children. You don't have a right to interfere with my personal life or give unwanted advice. And most of all, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO LIVE THIS LIFE UNDER THE TERMS I SET FOR MYSELF AND MY FAMILY.
Bonus Link for your Reading Pleasure:
FAMILY JEALOUSY-The Shameful Secret Behind Abuse And Betrayal
Cameron Pitching the Pussy Vote Again..
4 hours ago
11 comments:
This post reminded me of the John Mayer song 'Daughters'. But it seems like you have it all under control now. I liked that you have written the last sentence in capital letters 'cause that just affirms what is not being said in your post: you are your own person, you are your own woman. You are inspirational
I don't know... after you mentioned how your Mom described you... light-skinned, big breast and (my venacular) full-figured, my eyes glazed over...
I have been thinking about a post on women and especially black women, and their relationships with family. We will see... but how you've described some of your dealings with your Mom is what made me frame the attitudes of some single sister's who were raising children, 'The Black Female Matriarchal Complex.
In general, I think that women are not good friends to each other. They resent and are suspcious of one another because of the MALE concepts that dominate society. Anywho, the Electra thing stretches in a sinster way throughout society.
A 'Mama's boy' is not seen quite as the threat to his father as a 'Daddy's girl is to her Mother. I think that living in a society that fosters and breeds imbalances leads to the kind of relationship you are describing here.
Since I ain't no pyschologist or anything, I hope not to get myself into any deep water. But it seems that for black women, the oppression of sex and being black compounds the effect of how sister's get along with their Mom.
Mom feels unable to educate their daughter because she did not know how to form these kinds of relationships. Also there is resentment because of how opportunity that had been denied in society have opened and choices that she didn't know she could make, the daughter takes for granted. This includes professionally as well as in a relationship. Women can comfortably dictate terms and feel unrestrained to leave a unfullfilling, much less a bad, relationship.
She felt she had to put up with her Husband's philandering. For you, it is a choice. You could have an open relationship and STILL have as much love inside of it as you can hold. For her, the idea is so farfetched that she'd believe in life on Mars than to think that could be a happy arrangement in a marriage.
My ex-wife clings to a related set of antiquated notions that I believe has complicated things between me and our daughter. As far as my Carolina girls... KT's Mom put her on a plane at 7 (!!) when my job kept me from a summer visit. For my ex-wife, I should have done heroic things for her to dole out smidgens of my daughter... to pay me back for her hurt feelings.
While this is a woman's issue, sister girls have a unique flavor all their own. You take care and Happy Holidays!!
@Mark: lmao at eyes glazing over! Like I said in previous comments, I am terribly interesting in investigating the nature of broken relationships (between mothers and daughters) in Black families - if any such widespread issue actually exists.
In discussing this issue with other women of all colors, I find that the experience seems shared - although race and subcultures may demonstrate unique foundations.
As always, I am elated that you dropped by. :-)
@ladytruth: I'm gonna go Google that song and give it a good listen. :-) I appreciate your kind words, because this road was so long! Mom called again yesterday and wanted to have another epic mental breakdown because my son hasn't registered for his next set of college courses yet. Claimed she should be notified of any conversations that he and I have about it.
I dismissed her much like you would a child... something like, "Not today. I'm not doing this with you." I just won't engage. Or escalate. Defused. She hated it. I could tell.
I cannot find the words to express how utterly liberating it is to not care about the criticism, chaos, and control. She's gonna miss the ability to upset me and transfer her negativity.
You are a grown woman and do not have to be reduced to childhood just by the sound of your mother's voice. She is not your mother now...you are all grown up. You can have relationships in your life that bring beauty, joy, peace and love. Respect your mother, but stop going back for her apporval. You will NEVER get it. Her deal isn't with you...your just the easiest whipping tool she can use at a moments notice.
When we want other people to be different...WE must be different. Take away her power to hurt you, by finding your grace and stand in it.
You are an amazing, accomplished woman. Believe in your greatness and let your beauty shine.
And FYI many of my White, Latina and Asian Sisters have this same deal with their mothers!
Lovebabz! I suspected this problem existed across racial and cultural lines. And for the life of me, I can't understand why it is so damn common.
"She is not your mother now."
Amen to that. She truly is another woman on this planet who I can welcome into my life, keep at arm's length, or ask to leave.
I will forever respect the time, energy, and sacrifice she gave as my mother. What I don't have to accept is any string she ties to that history.
It's always a pleasure to see you pass thru. :-)
my mother has always been emotionally unavailable to me unless you count disdain which is one emotion she have made quit available to me. she is now starting on my 12 year old son
Im so glad to have stumbled upon this.. I feel as though i could have written this myself!! Im not sure if im at the liberating point you are at, but i feel theres definetly a change coming and i have taken the step today to stop her from being around my daughters until she stops her crazy, emotionally damaging behaviour. Thankyou for sharing this and good luck with it all in the future.
ofcourse, I just read this to my mom after a heated argument....my dad saw the parallel-she, ofcourse, in her narcissist state of mind could not see any relevance, not that I expected her to. I walked out the room saying "it doesn't matter." with her "agreeing" yep, "it doesn't matter." i know it doesn't matter, but how can i feel that way?
To Anonymous Feb 24:
I also have sons, and I am concerned about how this affects them. I think it's the worst for the oldest (18) who feels so torn.
They youngest (12) voiced to me how he doesn't like it, but actually used the fighting to get his way (e.g. get my mom all angry so she'd yell at me about something). Terrible when you're too selfish to notice your grandkids are using your insanity to get their own way.
Anonymous August 5: How old are you, and do you live with your mother? I recognize age and geography as huge factors. I'd love to hear back...
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