After my ex-husband suddenly vacated our home - and my life - back in November 2003, I called myself praying he would return. I was super nice on the phone. I said my prayers at night. I wondered what I could do to make myself "worthy" of his return. Hindsight reveals that I hoped for his return for all the wrong reasons. I was concerned about finances. I was concerned about raising children alone. The best thing I could have done was to let. It. Go. And really, to let him go.
In the three years that followed, I grew more and more thankful that he walked away. My prayers went from "God please reconcile us" to "thank my friggin GOD he walked away." I saw how worthless I'd felt through the entire almost four-year ordeal we called "marriage." I was repulsed by memories of actually wanting him to come home. And one day, somebody essentially changed my life with a piece called "Let It Go" by Bishop TD Jakes. You can read it here, but here's a taste of what makes this piece resonate with readers from all walks of life:
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
LET THEM GO!
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
So what makes us cling to folks willing to walk out of the door? Why are we happy to throw ourselves around the ankles of people who clearly don't value our lives? For me, it was fear of learning to live life alone again. Financial concerns and two sons compounded that fear.
But I tell men and women alike - don't chain yourself to somebody who doesn't give two-shits about your life. Stop trying to remake yourself into an "acceptable" being for somebody else. Right now, I am living the epitome of loving a mate who allows me to be myself all the time. Not just on the third Wednesday of the month.
And here's a bonus secret for you: Although I am the happiest woman in the world, I still wouldn't stop Dickhead if he decided to walk out the door. Why? For sanity and self-worth, The Gift of Good-Bye is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now go home and dump any shitheads that you're clinging to. Life is too short baby, and you're blocking your better mate from meeting you.
3 comments:
Ah a like minded soul! You know I feel you on this. I started my blog to steer my head and my heart to higher gorund. I was working thorugh a lot of shit. I am still standing and doing better than ok.
It is about the internal work that must be done. I love that TD Jakes passage! and I am so going to blog about this very thing and reference this blog!
I am so blog rolling YOU!
It was an absolute pleasure to see that you breezed through the blog. When I break the fever of this lazy bug, you will magically appear in our blogroll too. LOL I simply love the way you communicate the powerful and intangible beauty and pain of LOVE.
Amen! You've said what needed to be said and something that I wholeheartedly agree with. When my ex-hubby and I were having problems, I wanted nothing more than to work it out, but when I realized my reasons weren't suited in my best interest, I let it go. It was a hurtful and painful process as I'd known him for almost half my life and I was truly going to lose a friend in the process. However, my diginity and self-worth was more important. Love this line..."Stop trying to remake yourself into an "acceptable" being for somebody else." Being a trophy is sooooo overrated!
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