The tears. The TEARS. I can't take the tears. Don't tell me what a wonderful woman I am and explain how devastated you are that you have to leave my circle, my home, my LIFE.
Too little. Waaaaaaaaay too late. Like giving a whale a tic tac for bad breath after tooth rot sets in. A waste of time. A useless gesture. At worst... foolish.
I've seen these tears before. Don't tell me what a blessing I've been to you. Don't tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, fun and funny, sweet, and an unbelievable best friend - when you can't control yourself long enough to respect me as the woman you described.
For once, I'm not moved. I can't respond, except to tell you what a relief it will be to be away from you and watch your shadow fade into my rear-view mirror. In fact, as I explained to you over dinner, we'll both be relieved - just for different reasons. My reasons are obvious. For you, you can stop pretending that you ever intended to honor me and quit taking advantage of my love, patience, friendship, and help.
I'm no longer disappointed in you, because you showed me who you were and I didn't listen. Unfortunately, you waited until I was invested, and I boiled with the proverbial frog. That damn frog is the only way I can explain why it took me so long to jump out of this pot. I doubted my ability to see straight. That scares me the most. I'll never distrust myself again.
I thank you for every good time we had. They were just as real as the lows.
I created a category called "breakups" for this blog. It's almost strange to have to use it now with such finality.
I love you although there's no place left for you in my life. In the bittersweet end, I'm okay with that.
I stole the pic from here. So sue me.
4 comments:
Who are you? What do you WANT?
Anything and everything, anyone and everyone that takes you away from answering this question of WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT? Is a hindrance. If you cannot answer these questions with courage of conviction, then you need to let some things and some people in your life GO!
Choose love over fear!
I'm no longer disappointed in you, because you showed me who you were and I didn't listen.
Loved that sentence. I am not one who says, "I wish I knew this ..." because the decision you make now that you know it is what matters most.
A lot of people talk about now needing time to heal and all that, but at the same time, I do think that healing has been taking place as you approached this point with His Side. This is not to say that you are 'ready' but you are also not as infirm as the Germans would have you believe. The way that you resolved this question and how you comported yourself is a sign of your strength.
The questions that Love Babz put to you about 'what and who' are appropriate and I think that also you should have what is negotiable on the table, too. This is not to say you need to compromise anything but I think that a lot of the maturity that goes unnoticed in people is how much negotiation goes on in relationships as we grow older. It isn't that you don't have to put up with things but there are things you can get over and in the grand scheme of things, do they matter to your happiness?
Anywho, sorry I missed this entry... take care and be well, sugar..!
Big Mark, you're right about how long the healing has been taking place. In fact, it started when I broke-up with him 2 years ago. The problem is, we continued to share time and space since then because there's an honest enjoyment of each other's company - until the dormant volcano erupts.
I hate how conflicted I've been about this for so long. I know too much about him... where he's been... some of the obvious reasons he's struggling. My love and empathy in that area hasn't changed. I simply stopped feeling responsible for helping him through - especially after I became a comfy and forgiving target for his STUFF.
My girl Negril went for the big guns and pulled out the word "enabler." She ain't nevah lied...
Lovebabz, I can NEVER hear that question enough from you (Who are you and what do you want?)
I actually found a quiet place to relax and reflect over the weekend. That question was the first thing to pop into my head. As I started to answer, I realized I responded from fear and lack (i.e. my answer had more to do with what I don't have RIGHT NOW instead of what I may need to make life right LATER). So I stopped and decided to give an answer when I wasn't feeling so... raw. And I'll be giving it right here at this blog, even as it transforms after emerging.
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