When we left Part 2, I had just returned home as a single mom at the age of 21 after having my son.
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One day during dinner, as we all sat in the kitchen with the baby quietly watching us eat, mom told me about a social organization for single parents. She went on and on about this “wonderful” organization and the social status of some of the members. I wasn’t really interested, but I promised to check it out (with the aim, once again, of making her happy and escaping her criticism). The escape wasn’t a clean one, because she ended her speech with, “When you go, don’t tell anybody that you’re my daughter. I am so embarrassed of you.”Tried as I might to keep a straight face, a steady stream of tears betrayed my efforts to conceal the physical pain of betrayal throbbing in the center of my chest. At that moment, I didn't understand why she had interrupted my new life in another state and asked me to come back home if I was such an embarrassment to her? In reality, it was the only way she could get me back under control and criticize me into submission. My father yelled at her, and I simply continued to eat my dinner. This was the only mother I knew, and heck, I was under her roof… right?
I spent the last 5+/- years searching for ways to understand why my mother didn’t love me enough to stop hurting me. Although I received spankings, slappings, and snatchings, by far, nothing hurt more than the things she said to break my spirit. During my search for an answer, I continued the pattern of seeking a hint of approval. At times, that search meant presenting my accomplishments; much like a child posts a good report card on the refrigerator. Other times, that search meant concealing a personal failure or disappointment; with the knowledge she would criticize me in that moment and throw in some old failures to increase the sting.I can't think of one self-inflicted prison more demoralizing and emotionally destructive than seeking the approval of a person who can't be pleased. It's like throwing yourself off a cliff repeatedly until you're so broken you can't drag yourself to the peak anymore.
While you're waiting for Part 4 -
Bonus Link for your Reading Pleasure:
Cutting Ties - Knowing When It's Time To Walk Away
4 comments:
I have been reading your serious and kept to myself because the most basic difference between us, our sexes, play a huge role as to why our perspectives to negative relationships with our Mother (and in my case, siblings) affected us the way that they have.
When the home that you grew up in is not the place of sanctuary that it has been idealized, I think that it leaves people with a crack in the foundation of their character. I think that it feels like a hole that needs to be filled and nothing seems to be able to fill it. Being that I am a male, it was not a problem for me to leave home as soon as I could, with those negative, toxic relationships still relatively harmless. They did not get complicated until I was discharged and decided to come home.
After I married and confirmed what I feel I knew, in my mid 20's. I want to say that you felt something like that when your Mom provided you with her assistance along with the caveat that you conceal your relationship to her. And this is where the question stops being about 'her' and starts being about 'you' (or us, because I am rightthere Gina with you in this). See, though I am a nice guy and generally sweet and understanding person, I don't brook the same kind of treatment from those outside of my immediate family that I put up with from my blood relations. That is the pervasive question of my life, why do I do for them what they have never been able to do for me.
You love your Mother and I think that it is obvious. I also think that whether it is a compulsion that ties us to the person in our family who cause us the most pain or because it is because it is how interpret the the bond between us and these hurtful people in our lives. For me, I when I explain how unattached I feel to my sisters and because those feelings also tap into a spring of scalding bitterness, people are taken aback. I don't understand why, because what would you feel towards a friend who took the side of a man who was abusing you? Should I feel any different towards my sisters because of the shared DNA??
Have you ever asked yourself had the words not come from your Mother and this woman was a family friend or even an Aunt, would you let them bother you as much as you let your Mother bother you? Again, I think that because being a male, to push for independence is seen as a natural inclination so if anything, I was encouraged to go off and do my thing (which is a subject that has been long since revised). What do you think drew you back to your Mother's sphere of influence? What did you hope to gain from coming back?? I know the cliff divers thrive off the adrenaline from leaping into the water... there had to be a payoff that you hoped for by returning.
Of course, this is all theoretical. Most of this is in your past and I get the impression that you are coming to terms that your relationship was never the one that you wished for or hoped it could be. That is fine and it doesn't measure you or your life. I think you are a beautiful person and as whole as anyone could hope to be. Happy New Year!!
Big Mark!
I hear ya on "the payoff." Why do we return to these relationships with open arms - when we wouldn't accept such from anybody else - and know deep down the result will be the same?
Thankfully, this is past tense for me, but I have a few theories on why I kept my hopes elevated.
As a child, your only goal is to do enough "right" to please mom and dad. I don't think the average child knows the difference between unwarranted criticism and disgust. Children live for that moment of acceptance, and don't fully realize when they're getting a raw deal.
As a young adult, I believe we continue to seek a certain level of acceptance from our parents. Uncertainty leads many to err on the side of caution and give the benefit of the doubt (e.g. "maybe I am doing something wrong as I navigate this life and she's just trying to warn me.") Then there's the distant-but-still-seen dependence on parents that give the illusion we owe them something back.
One day I simply realized that we do choose our own family, and our blood relatives don't have to be in it. Literally, like you said, I knew that I shouldn't take anything from a relative that I wouldn't take from anybody else. That leaves me free to walk away without any guilt whenever she's winding-up for the pitch.
What a peaceful place to reside!
"I can't think of one self-inflicted prison more demoralizing and emotionally destructive than seeking the approval of a person who can't be pleased. It's like throwing yourself off a cliff repeatedly until you're so broken you can't drag yourself to the peak anymore".
Very POWERFUL! There is no getting over who we are related to and connected to. Love your mother for what and who she is if you can and want to. The blessing is, you are a grown woman now and you can parent you in ways she never could. I know something about abuse. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and take care of your heart soul and mind.
Love your mother for what and who she is if you can and want to. The blessing is, you are a grown woman now and you can parent you in ways she never could.
Talk about POWERFUL! It seems culturally defined that women should do everything - even sacrifice their sanity - to serve/worship/whatever their mothers. It's almost like the relationship women don't have a choice in.
But we do have a choice. Dammit, it isn't even Biblically (spiritually) sound to allow our own relatives to hurt us. It feels so good to give myself permission to say "no way."
Thanks for your always-encouraging words!
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