Kenya Stevens of JujuMama LLC left an interesting post on her Facebook wall today:The nature of monogamy is selfishness. Most people would gladly have another lover, but what kills the dream is they would have to accept the same scenario. They deny themselves to further deny the one person they profess to love most. That to me is the real drive behind infidelity, the selfishness, and wanting to keep... your lover in darkness while you explore the light. (via Shannon Roberts)
Now I love Kenya's unconventional approach to strengthening relationships and her book is in my Amazon shopping cart for quick purchase this Friday. But her recent statement ate at my thoughts until I replied on her page and moseyed here for more commentary.
My original message to Kenya:
I don't agree that monogamy is selfish in itself. Pretending to be monogamous while cheating on a partner that you told something different is selfish. When both agree on the structure of their relationship -- that's harmony.
My His Side values monogamy as much as I do. As such, we have harmony in that area. Isn't it better to say that either ... See Moremodel works... so long as it is a shared value & desire?
Footnote: Monogamy does have its virtues... like the possible resulting children, the possible shared disease, etc. since there's no 100% method of preventing both. Discounting one structure to promote the other denies the value to those who chose it.
I couldn't resist spilling this conversation into this blog, because monogamy is central to my desire in a relationship. Kenya chronicled her journey into sharing her husband's goodies on her old blog, and it was clear it took a long time for the choice to sit well in her soul. That alone tells me that she clearly had a different preference for her marriage - which also features young children. As far as I was concerned, it took a pretty selfish motive on her husband's part to ask her to endure the ordeal.
What say you, or dear readers? Hit us in the comments.
Footnote: This blog will feature a book review of Kenya's book "Change Your Man: How to Become the Woman He Wants." I agree with Kenya's premise that men and women are different - and attempting to change your man via confrontation won't lead to harmony. I ordered her husband's companion book for His Side.
12 comments:
The one good thing about the premise of Kenya's book is that if I got it correctly, that there is plenty of room for ME to write one! Because this is straight from the Mr. Bad Advice column!
To begin with, I believe monogamy has evolved out of a necessary imperative for the continuation of genetic lines. I used to think some off the wall stuff about how it wasn't something that other species did. Very few lifeforms emulate the 'mate for life' model. That said, I will give you the 'social construct' model, which doesn't explain away the genetic neccessity perspective that I would say deconstructs the 'selfishness' of monogamy theory of Kenya.
But don't go repeating this. I do talk out of my head at times!
As far as 'sharing' and being a part of, eh, I do think that there is no small amount of ego in something like that. And in men, as they testosterone levels and decline with age, nothing like a new romance (young or old) to almost literally make a cat feel like roarin' again!
But I don't think that Kenya's old man would cotton much to her leting other cats up in her, no matter what she may say. There is a reason for that, too. Not only is there (several, in fact) reasons that doesn't play well in her own relationship, but it is a fail on so many levels that it borders on epic.
Not selfish, but self-aware. A person IMO, should have ideal self-awareness before marriage. It takes some courage, optimism and a smidge of ego to think that you have met the right person.
That open relations crap is what it is, a concession to not feeling worthy or being up to the challenge of love. (clink, clink!)
I so heart when you come by, Mark. LOL
You know, Kenya has written at her old blog. AT. LENGTH. about experiences with other men in the "open relationship." Although she speaks about the spiritual enlightenment and the transformational nature of it all, I still find that these experiences fall under the category of "Tryst."
I'm not knocking their choice, but I would just like to see folks call a spade a spade. To sell it as some ideal model helps them (well, her) deal with the cognitive dissonance of it all. Why be married? I can sleep around single. Oh well...
I am with you both. anyone can "PLAY" at love. But who can really get in it and stay in for the long haul. I am not interested in an open affair. I am iinterested in loving someone with an open heart. I am interetsed in going the distance with my true love. I just think we do ourselves a serious diservice when we waffle about coimmitment and love. Perhapos that is a happy scenario for lots of people. But I bet if you dug deeper and probed longer, the truth of it all would be stunning.
There is something divine about forsaking all others...
@LoveBabz:
"I just think we do ourselves a serious disservice when we waffle about commitment and love."
I love that you said this. Because the word "waffle" serves best here. It's exactly what you hear when folks talk about open relationships. 'We love each other, but we have somehow decided it's easier to do this thing by doing other people.'
How is that different than being a single person who has a "main squeeze?"
But I bet if you dug deeper and probed longer, the truth of it all would be stunning.
I believe this, just based on how Kenya originally struggled with the new structure of her relationship. Now I wasn't there, so only God knows the truth, but my own bias and personal calculations say - he wanted to sleep with other women. Plain and simple. She kept the peace by saying "ok" and found her own pleasure in doing the same.
Again, I don't want to come across as criticizing their choice because it is different from my own goal. But I do have some mild heartburn with the underlying implication that they somehow stumbled upon the optimum way to "relate" - not to mention the high-level of spirituality associated with the exploration of pleasure with others.
WHAT? I'm rambling in my own comments? That must be a sign I need to blog on a similar topic to "get it all out." lmao
Well lookie here, I found you. Now I see why my post touched you. You're whole profile speaks to that post "Let me put this bug in your ear"!
Wow! I never know who's reading my stuff or how they find my humble abode, but I am glad you stoped by to add a little wisdom.
As you've probably discovered, my posts are not for everyone. I try to shoot straight from the hip and you must have heard the sound waves on that one.
I am going to read your stuff, and keep my eye on you. I mean, I am nobody but I find you interesting.
hello
just stumbled here
liked JujuMama at first look but then the whole polygamy scared me
I'd still like to look at some of her writings. . . but when my mind is more capable of wrapping around it
Hello GC! It's good to see you again. (I am an old regular at your spot, just under an anonymous name 'cause my momma might read the blog. LOL)
Kenya's relationship writings were so strong, that I just couldn't ignore the powerful advice (outside the polygamy stuff). I can't wait to get the book (which I put off until next week).
I also had a moment of hesitation when she and her husband broke into the whole "open marriage." If I hadn't enjoyed a history of liking her other writing, I may have bum-rushed the door. hehe
I don't think monogamy is necessarily natural for humans. Then again, I have not been in the type of relationship recently where I have felt that strongly. See, my thing is, I can give a man my EMOTIONAL fidelity and EXPECT his as well, while accepting the attentions of another PHYSICALLY. I would have a bigger problem with my significant other being EMOTIONALLY involved with another then being SEXUALLY involved (just don't bring home any diseases or babies). BUT, I want, no I DEMAND the same freedom I am giving him.
I neither see monogamy as a burden nor a way of keeping my wife in check. It just feels right.
To be honest, while we don't have an "open" relationship, there is a underlying acceptance that if one or the other of us truly felt we needed to step outside the relationship for a tryst, we could.
The expectation is that we won't hide or be dishonest about it, and ideally won't spring it on the other spouse after the fact but actually make sure they know what might be about to happen.
Frankly, having come to that agreement takes away that "thrill" of cheating and not getting caught. It's no longer some attractive but disallowed piece of candy. It's an obtainable option.
But in becoming an option, that also changes how we look at it. As such, instead of thinking "how could I cheat" and getting caught up in the cloak-and-dagger mindset, we are forced to think about "why would I want to stray with that other person to begin with?" We have to consider whether such an act is really worth it.
And frankly, in the end, without the "dangerous" or "thrill" aspect of cheating, the attractiveness of that other person outside the relationship whom we might find alluring goes down immensely.
Might not work for everyone, but that's what works for us.
Wow all I can say is that you are a great writer! Where can I contact you if I want to hire you?
Great post! Thanks for the insight. I appreciate your take on fighting and arguments. It’s always tough to know when fighting is productive and when it’s too much fighting. I stumbled upon this blog about fighting like I found yours- http://burisonthecouch.wordpress.com/2010/08/15/more-fighting/
I thought you and your readers might enjoy it as well. Thanks again for the post! I’d like to see more like it.
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