Several weeks ago, my parents received bad news. "Although you are legally married, you've been living apart for many many years. He must be dropped from your retirement insurance."In a funny twist, my parents are together almost every day. She cooks for him. He helps her with the house. They introduce themselves as husband and wife. But they can't stand living together. Mom is too controlling and dramatic, which doesn't mix well with the healthy doses of testosterone pulsing through dad's veins. Even in their 60's and 70's, some of their encounters mirror the hilarity of tweens trying to navigate puppy love.
Anyway...
Since mom couldn't produce a single utility bill or bank account statement in dad's name at her address, he is left to his own sparse insurance. They estimate his medical bills could increase by $1000 out of pocket per month. Nobody on retirement funds can afford that nonsense.
As my mother shared this crisis with me (and lamented about my father's annual visit to his girlfriend's hometown - a total other story), she said the bitter words I hear from far too many older women. "STAY. SINGLE." She meant it. "Share your life and your resources with no-one. You'll have to help them one day."
I have thrown my hands to the sky and raised my face to the wind many times with the same objection. "What part of that advice offers me the option and information I need to experience the beauty of a loving relationship?" Doesn't choosing a partner come with the absolute promise that one day I'll have to hold them up during a time of need? Doesn't the anticipation of their love and support during my darkest hours balance the perceived hardship? If that isn't love, then WHAT. IS????
Wounded people wound others. That concept is one block in the foundation of this blog. The wounded spread their bitterness like a disease... cleverly concealed under the shroud of "loving relationship advice."
Keep this in your back pocket: If the advice you get doesn't explain how love can win, then the puppet strings of bitterness and fear are showing all over the messenger. Smile. Keep it moving. Brush the bitterness off your clothes and find a trail that leads to love. It is the only truly positive power this planet has ever known.
Photo yanked from Legal Juice.
7 comments:
Dag, now there you go. This is a dare, right? You are daring me to reply to this loaded post, aren't you? As I try to keep from leaving comments that force readers eyes to glaze over and wonder if this cat don't shut his computer and go and get a life...
Well, I do have a life, thank you very much, just one that does leave me with ample time for sitting here leaving long and badly spelled comment and garbled posts of my own. So if it bothers someone, they will have to get over it. I am already aware and (self) conscious about reading and commenting in journals as it is, so leave me alone!!
Now, I get all of what you are saying here. I didn't figure out until I was in my 30's the wisdom that you are describing here. If you can't give a solution that has support to a condition, it isn't a solution. Your Mom said to stay single because it will come back to haunt you in the end. That leave a lot of conjecture and you can't make a sweeping statement like that with all that air up in it.
She does have a point. I don't know if I should keep on her or in my own journal. Did start it, so here we go (all this writing and I still ain't wrote nothing!!).
No matter how pro black men, there are more available black women than there are black men, and that is according to the set of real numbers. Once you begin the attrition thru societal and enviromental obstacles, you have even fewer still to choose from. And once you start winnowing them down to desirable and 'eligible' (may have to post a definition of 'eligible' men on my journal for sure) men to choose from, the truth of the matter is that it is an uphill climb for sisters.
First... damn girl, what should come first? He has to be attractive physically, he has to have intelligence, a desire to be true to one woman, things in common as well as independent qualities that you find attractive, potential to be a good provider if not finacially well off... have I left anything off? I am sure I have but the what is what to all this is, in our vulnerable to media community, to be those things are not highly valued and while there are those who manage to make it through all the ups and downs to be 'that guy', it is hard.
I like how you said that about stating negative opinions without a positive remedy. I was trying to leave a comment that argued HER viewpoint but it went so long that the comment page expired on me!!
Now I can't say she is wrong but Mom does have a point. And I would try to give you why and wherefore, but I worry I would run long again.
As a brother, even before I started my 'mad games as if I was Scott Skiles', I thought it was harder for a sister to find that wonderful guy that it was for a cat to find a Super Woman.
There are way more 'eligible' sisters than there are brothers. It is simply about supply and demand. If you choose to pursue love, be well aware of the risk that are involved and not to be fooling yourself about this.
I'd go on, but like I said, I got timed out. I'd call you if you wanted to chat... or maybe I will email you. This is a topic that I would love to hear your opinion in depth on.
LOL, Mark! Every post is a dare for you to leave a book for a comment, because I value the male perspective on everything I post. hehe
Anyway, you really should hit that email, 'cause I could go on and on about this topic too!
"Mom has a point?" You have no idea how much I disagree with that one. Family and relationships are the strongest core of a prosperous society. Destroying the idea that those relationships can work give power back to the rich and devious ones who profit from the chaos.
I'll be watching my email. ;-)
I am in agreement with you. The last paragraphs were DIVINE! Just as there are instances of folks proving that staying single is the best way, or that eventually you have to take care of someone stems from a mindset filled with bitterness and unhappiness. Folks who think like that have checked out of love becasue for them it cost too much, hurt too much and requires too much. There are also examples of enduring love and commitment and a WILLINGNESS to take care of the one we love. Look to Ossie Davis & Ruby Dee, John H. Johnson & Eunice Johnson.
Our history is rich with enduring stories of love & commitment. Go and read slave narratives....some slaves walked 10 miles a day to see loved ones at neighboring plantations against being captured and still made it back in time to be in the fields at first light.
Love is easy and its hard. It is a paradox. We exist to love and be loved. Do not give up because others have. So many have lost faith in love and comitment. I have not. I will not. I cannot.
Taking care of someone is love in action. We all can love when things are going well and lives are full and rich and we all have out health. But for me it is about who stands with you in adversity and grief. We all love a party, but who stays behind to help clean up.
Love bears all things...hopes all things...
Hi,
Came across you via AfroSpear. Nice blog.
Advice should always explain how love can win, shouldn't it.
Well put, even though no doubt your mother's words are worth using as a pre-emptive measure, and perhaps how she intended them
Would love to repost this over on my blogs...both of them. Let me know.
I love that you are on facebook :) Left you a message over there :)
@MsAfropolitan: Welcome! Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. I agree about pre-emptive measures... although I value those given from a place of strength and not fear. :-)
@LoveBabz: You are always more than welcomed to repost. I enjoy the opportunity to be counted in your discussions of love. Nobody does it quite like you do. hehe
@Mark: I'm waiting for that email! lol
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