At the height of turmoil during the looming breakup, LoveBabz asked me a simple question (paraphrasing):
'Why do you answer the phone when the departed His Side calls?"
I didn't have a ready answer, and I felt disturbed about my inability to respond to such a simple query. I knew answering the phone would probably expose me to a pained and frustrated His Side. I knew he would compel me into my own frustration. I knew he would fluster me into wishing I hadn't answered the phone.
For a while, I dealt with this by writing about the war between my own hope and deep disappointment. Much of my analysis focused on my legitimate frustrations with His Side's flaws. More accurately, I was focused on the hurtful ways that his flaws manifested against me in very personal and destructive ways.
But I always answered that phone for one reason: I never spent a day pretending with His Side. And he never had to spend a single minute pretending in an effort to secure my approval.
He always accepted my darkest and most annoying flaws. And I loved him in spite of the decimating wars he fought with his demons. He was unwavering in his sincerity to fight for a love he credits with changing his life. And by all accounts from his family, his love for me represents the most faith and fire he's lived since digging from beneath truly harsh circumstances.
So I kept answering that phone. We eventually fumbled and stumbled into the friendship we share now. Satisfying. Gratifying. Transparent. Tight.
I'll openly admit that many demons fled his presence. That man knows how to fight a good fight, especially after grasping the truth that loved ones should not receive any blows during the battle.
I recognize him now... as the man I saw looming beneath the armor while fighting the wrong war. We're not back together, but we're still a dynamic duo. I know better than to interrupt his transformation with the stress of caring for a romance. And I stay true to myself not to interrupt my own journey. Timing is everything.
I answered that phone because no matter the hardship, it was always real. I enjoyed the luxury of being myself in all of my glorious wonder and broken glory. I have never felt more human, loved, accepted, and powerful in all my life.
I don't worry about our future. I don't stress over the "ifs" of becoming a couple in the future. In truth, it may nevah happen. None of it draws my attention because I must live this day before I can live the day named "tomorrow." And my "todays" are good because 90% of the time, I'm glad I answered the phone.
A special shot-out to LoveBabz for this thought-provoking post:
What Am I Doing, Seriously?
Photo lifted from: Freelancedom
2 comments:
That was a deep post that your blog sister Lovebabz produced. Perhaps because it caught me off guard, because I thought she was in 'the zone' with her relationship.
Where you and His Side are at now is a good place. I think that me and my SFC are on the same road. We were good friends as kids in Korea because we WERE friends. Pushing the envelope with the stress of a relationship and each other's 'whatever whatever' is not proving to be wise.
You sound like a beautiful, funny and intelligent woman. Hopefully you will find a partner to share your life with from this moment forward.
Peace, love & hairgrease!
Mark
It is amazing how the very thing we are most afraid of, turns out to be the most liberating of things. The answering of the phone was the catalyst for defining this new turn of events in this relationship. You got some clarity about who "His Side" is to you in these moments.
...you give me way too much credit. Thanks for even feeling anything I have to say has any value or relevance to your life.
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