This PSA comes with a T-Shirt: STOP BLAMING ME FOR YOUR SHYT.
I believe I've had this conversation before with my BFF Negril. I'm kinda glad we're not in the same office today, because she might be foreced to slap me. In spite of sage advice and hard-earned wisdom, it is amazing how the mind plays tricks while submerged in the middle of a situation. Before today's PSA story comes the conclusion: You really can't do enough to appease a person who wants to blame you for their problems. End. Of. Fracking. STORY.
His Side called me first thing this morning. I'm talking before I oozed out of bed to prepare for the morning routine. I didn't expect to hear from him, because he lost his job yesterday and claimed he didn't want to hear from the rest of the world - including me - for a few days. He only had the job for about four weeks.
"Hello."
"Do you have COMPANY?"
"Wha???..."
That's how the conversation started. Because of course if I choose not to sleep with him, I'm whoring around town looking for random dyck to satiate me.
[Note to self: Don't be offended. Hold it together. He knows you're not a ho. If he really believed that dumb shit, he wouldn't be interested in you in the first place.]
Anyway, his monnologue consisted of declarations of his love for me coupled with a tongue-lashing for having friends other than him. Male. Female. Straight. Gay. It doesn't matter. They all make him feel threatened, like he has to complete for my affections. I was told how I should understand him and his request, because of things that have been done to him before. He went on to lament his life and his mistakes, and rolled right back into what I should and should not be doing for him.
Now I spent most of this monologue rubbing crusties from my eyes and staring at the phone like I just got a call from aliens. I very calmlysaid fuck you informed His Side that I object to his calling my house for such nonsense and he'll nevah own the right to play Director in my life. I kindly declined the challegne to defend myself against his ridiculous accusations. He apologized, which historically only means "excuse me for a moment, and I'll see if I can implement my mind control in another attempt I have planned for this afternoon."
I feel badly for him. This empathy led me to overlook too much as his girlfriend... and sometimes engage in the fray trying to make things right. And now I'm starting to overlook too much as his "new-found" friend.
I thank Susan Elliott for this great post dealing with taking the blame for our partner's actions. Today's PSA comes from Susan's blog post (which you should stop and read, by the way):
Reminder: Part 3 of my Hope vs. Disappointment series will auto-post tomorrow morning.
I believe I've had this conversation before with my BFF Negril. I'm kinda glad we're not in the same office today, because she might be foreced to slap me. In spite of sage advice and hard-earned wisdom, it is amazing how the mind plays tricks while submerged in the middle of a situation. Before today's PSA story comes the conclusion: You really can't do enough to appease a person who wants to blame you for their problems. End. Of. Fracking. STORY.
His Side called me first thing this morning. I'm talking before I oozed out of bed to prepare for the morning routine. I didn't expect to hear from him, because he lost his job yesterday and claimed he didn't want to hear from the rest of the world - including me - for a few days. He only had the job for about four weeks.
"Hello."
"Do you have COMPANY?"
"Wha???..."
That's how the conversation started. Because of course if I choose not to sleep with him, I'm whoring around town looking for random dyck to satiate me.
[Note to self: Don't be offended. Hold it together. He knows you're not a ho. If he really believed that dumb shit, he wouldn't be interested in you in the first place.]
Anyway, his monnologue consisted of declarations of his love for me coupled with a tongue-lashing for having friends other than him. Male. Female. Straight. Gay. It doesn't matter. They all make him feel threatened, like he has to complete for my affections. I was told how I should understand him and his request, because of things that have been done to him before. He went on to lament his life and his mistakes, and rolled right back into what I should and should not be doing for him.
Now I spent most of this monologue rubbing crusties from my eyes and staring at the phone like I just got a call from aliens. I very calmly
I feel badly for him. This empathy led me to overlook too much as his girlfriend... and sometimes engage in the fray trying to make things right. And now I'm starting to overlook too much as his "new-found" friend.
I thank Susan Elliott for this great post dealing with taking the blame for our partner's actions. Today's PSA comes from Susan's blog post (which you should stop and read, by the way):
They will not change. There is NO such thing as acting “right enough” or loving someone “good enough” to keep them from doing crappy things. A monster will act like a monster. A cheater will act like a cheater. A liar will act like a liar. And a bananahead will act like a bananahead. No matter what you do or do not do.
The bottom line is that everyone is responsible for his or her own behavior. Do not let someone else blame you for their bad behavior. No one can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. [Source]
Reminder: Part 3 of my Hope vs. Disappointment series will auto-post tomorrow morning.
5 comments:
Well, I'm glad you FINALLY realized that when sage advice is dispensed, it's dispensed for a reason. I understand that one needs to go at their own pace, but when the hammer keeps knocking you on the head, it's time to stop taking Tylenol and rid yourself of the source.
His Side is displaying classic control and abuse actions and he's once again shown you who he is and what's he's about. You know the addage..."when people show you who they are, pay attention".
Ironically, the call reminded me of one I'd received after the phone stalking episode; where I, too stared at the phone like...REALLY? Then promptly hung up. This behaviour isn't to be tolerated and in fashion. Should he continue to call, calmly and clearly advise him that his actions are indicative of someone who has no self restraint and/or respect nor is it indicative of loving behaviour.
I think I lost myself somewhere in thought because I'm trying not to say the errant craziness that's lurking entirely too close to my fingertips. But I do hope that I've made my point.
Deuces!
Ah the blame game....the card that is always pulled when someone doesn't want to look at their life...their shit.
You are wise and smart and in your right mind. You recognize what your role is and you own your shit. You do not have room in your bags for someone else stuff, no matter how much room you think you have.
He has to find his way and the more time he spend calling you with nonsense is time away from owning his life and his actions and thoughts about his life.
At some point you are going to stop answering his calls...when hearing his voice no longer serves you. When you have moved on and he is in the rear view mirror. I've been there. It is all up hill. But damn it when you get to the top the view is DIVINE!
((HUGS))
At some point you are going to stop answering his calls...when hearing his voice no longer serves you.
Dammit, people. Once again, your awesome comments leave me with another gem that should be addressed as a post.
Although Dr. Phil eventually fell from the grace that he found in the shadow of Oprah's coat tails, he always said something I found profound... Whatever problem you're facing, whether it is overeating or taking drugs... the only reason you haven't let it go is because you're getting a payoff. And you'll never give it up until you're honest enough to define that payoff in clear terms.
Even with the caller ID, I have to acknowledge that I answer the phone for a reason. And I want to spend alone-time with myself this week in some real discovery about what the dayum reason(s) may be. Of course, in my TMI fashion, I'll be back here to talk 'bout it.
I haven't heard from you in a while, and I thought that I have missed you ... and apparently I missed this.
Like what you said about Dr. Phil ... he did fall from the heights that made him so refreshing as a guest on Oprah. And it describes what many people, like that cat Joe, don't quite get. There is something that they are getting out of being in the situation that they find themselves in. Once they begin to solve for that, they will begin to solve for their problem.
I often wonder how women deal with situations like the one here, beause there is another dynamic at work here ... I am sure that if I saw the name of someone who carries the threat of doing great physical harm to me, I would be inclinded to answer that call. In fact, that is why I DID answer my ex wife's call back in the day. For real.
But it should be a matter of course that you continue to ignore my man. I mean, once I stopped being all the things that people suspected I was (and if they were honest, they knew that I was), when they would name call, I felt that as long as they weren't who I wanted, what did it matter?
Funny, if it was me suspicious of you and all you comings and goings, I would want to get details ... but that is my personal fetish ... anywho ... dag, I am all off track!
I was mainly checking to see if you were doing alright! Be well!
L&R
Mark
Thanks for stopping by, Mark! I can't exactly say I am doing well. In fact, I am in a "blue period" (isn't that what an artist would call it?) I am seriously fighting depression right now. I'm not willing to attribute this blue period to the "downs" associated with His Side, but I certainly won't pretend he's a zero factor...
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